Thursday, December 22, 2011
The internet diaries
I started blogging again back in August, knowing that it's something I've needed to do for quite some time but feeling terrified of getting back into it... and of exposing myself to the world. It's one thing to blog anonymously and something altogether intimidating to blog as yourself when you already have so many critics and people who'd garner great pleasure in seeing you fail.
Writing again is sort of like getting back on that horse... the one that betrayed my trust and showed me what fear really is.
When I wrote these earlier posts, I thought this blog would be about my journey with and in starting AWV... but so much has changed in the last few months. Even so, part of AWV's journey is undoubtedly tied to me - at least for now. Part of what I hope AWV will do and be for the women who are a part of it, is empowering, inspiring and life-changing. Would it not make sense that I get myself to the best place that I can for the sake of it all? And why not document it along the way? I'd never be able to recall everything at some later date so that I can use the experiences as teaching/learning points.
And that's what I really need to get into over the next few weeks - how I ended up here and where I'm going from this place.
So this blog is about me. Same as the original Army Girl blog from back in the day. It's a recording of my life.
Many people ask me why I'd blog about myself... insinuating that it's a purely ego driven act. Perhaps that's more of a reason than I care to admit but it's also fear driven. I fear that I won't remember. I've always had a terrible memory but with the pace of my life and the amount of stress I succumb myself to, I've forgotten so much more.
But why blog publicly? Why not? I've always believed that no matter what hell we go through, the least we can do is share empathy with others and give them hope that they can come through it and things will truly, get better. Even as a child when I couldn't make sense of the insanity that was going on around me, I knew that there were other kids who were just as confused as I was. I wanted to show them the way through that...
And now, as I sit in hiding - from my friends, family, the organization and myself... I know that I will get through this dark period and things will truly, get better. I also know that I'm not alone in this place and whether misery truly does covet company, there are others who were here before me, many that are here now and several more who will pass this way. For those that will allow me, I want to show them the way through this so they don't have to go it alone.
For what is happiness, suffering, love, joy and fear? What is it to experience life and to be human if we are to do it alone?
I've spent a lot of time over the last few years trying to be someone I'm not. I expended a great deal of energy and resources trying to be what others told me I needed to be, to do the work I want to do. I pushed myself to meet the expectations of people, companies, entities, often without any encouragement.
Not anymore. It didn't serve my purpose and it certainly hasn't served AWV's.
I arrived to an emergency room visit, alone. I'd felt that I needed to make some dramatic changes or I was going to end up extremely ill or worse but laying in an emergency room hooked up to wires, machines, and an IV - I could/can no longer ignore the calling. I've escaped to a place where I can take the time I need to do a lot of thinking, journaling, exploring and discovering... not to mention, reprogramming. Martha Beck would say that I've gone into my cocoon and I think that's a far better way to describe this.
In the past, I'd call life transitions or growing pains "molting." This is not the same. Nothing about it feels like I've just outgrown my skin. This feels so completely like everything about me is dissolving in much the same way that a caterpillar that's entered a cocoon becomes complete mush so that its cells can reform to create something entirely different. I'm not sure I'll be much of a butterfly when all's said and done but what I do know is that whatever happens, I could no longer stay a caterpillar.
It seems it's possible after all, to stop yourself from hitting rock bottom. I want to make sure I share that experience with others despite what my critics will say and how they might use this against me.
It's interesting that part of the change I'm going through includes coming back to this blog... That's a good sign that I'm not going to completely lose me, right? Although I've a feeling that for some of the people that have only known me the last few years, this might be somewhat of a shock to you. Don't worry, it's perfectly okay to read my diary when I put it on the internet...
Photo & Blog © 2011 Genevieve Chase
Posted by Genevieve Chase at 2:10 PM