It's difficult to know what to write about... because everything is changing so quickly. It's like trying to describe the scenery in a fast moving river from a point on the water - by the time I can find the right words and the time to articulate what I observe, I'm already further along the river...
And there's so much going on
right now that I've scarcely realized the passage of time. It's already
into the latter half of the year 2012! How peculiar time is.
this time next year, I'll be deployed. There's a great deal of
speculation about when/if it will happen, as I've lost count of the
number of times I've been alerted in the past. In some ways, I'm ready
to test what I've come to understand about myself against what I'm
likely to confront there. People think that war is the hardest part of
deployment but as I've said before, the most difficult parts of it all
are the personalities you interact with and most of all, who you
confront within yourself... or who you don't.
believe, become so good at compartmentalizing our emotions in order to
charlie mike (continue mission), thinking that we'll deal with them
(emotions) later. Of course, we end up finding no "appropriate" time or
place to do so because we busy ourselves with ever present work. That
feverish pace sustains us until it just simply doesn't anymore or until
we come home and there isn't that much work to be done.
But I needn't get into all of that - it's becoming all too common of a tale.
resigned myself to the fact that even a change in political climate is
not going to impact pre-scheduled events. I'm okay with that. What wears
on me is all of the uncertainty - either send me, or don't. Stop f'n
with me. As I near my mid-30's and consider such selfish things as a
stable relationship and perhaps, dare I say - a family, I know that if
anything were to happen, it cannot happen for a few more years at the
Disclosing these thoughts is quite personal
but I think it underscores some of the different considerations that
women must make at certain points in their military careers. I've a
number of people attempt to placate me as they mistake my thoughtfulness
as longing or whining, but all biological-clock-ticking aside, I envy
my brothers the fact that they have at least a decade more to go before
needing to consider such things.
There is no question
about my commitment to the oath I took when I reenlisted. Timed well, or
not, I will go. I have complete faith -knowing that I don't understand
the reasons for everything that transpires, but that everything is
unfolding as it should. That, along with change, is a constant.
And what an amazing time, these transformational moments in life!
wouldn't trade the military family I've come to know and love, even if
our paths only crossed for a moment. And I wouldn't give back what I've
come to know about myself over these last several years but it would be a
lie to say that I'm not afraid, especially knowing what I know now, of
walking into the fire again. Worse yet, knowing what I know now, I'm not
looking forward to leading others into the fire because I know what
they're likely to confront and their families, to endure...