Questions for My Country's Leaders - from a Citizen, Veteran, Advocate and Soldier.

When I joined the military in 2003, I was full of a sense of urgency and a great deal of idealism. The granddaughter of a survivor of the Korean War, I felt a sense of pride and duty to serve my country in a time of war and I had this dream that one day, young women in Afghanistan would have the opportunities and hope that I had grown up with - something my grandmother could never have conceived of for herself or her daughters but that my sisters and I would realize.

I deployed in 2006 and learned a lot. Despite the disappointments and the seemingly overwhelming onslaught of dream crushing events, I found flowers growing in mine fields - literally and figuratively. There, amidst the fear, oppression, death and decades of destruction that have been the daily reality the women and children of Afghanistan, I still found reason to hope.

Today, over eight years after my initial enlistment, I am finally facing the reality that I have become... disenchanted?

As I consider what it means to deploy to Afghanistan again, I'm wrought with frustration, guilt and a lack of clarity of purpose. When I consider what we're doing and how we're going about achieving this new and unclear end-state, I arrive at countless questions.

In 2009, when I testified on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about my experiences in Afghanistan, I had many answers... answers that I'd known previously but had only been given the opportunity to Monday morning quarterback. Answers that I'd given no voice to because I felt inadequate due to lack of age and ignorant by lack of formal education, even. Surely, the people who were making the decisions to send us off to war were far more informed than I... Of course they knew and had studied the history of Afghanistan, our history with Afghanistan, and the culture of the people of Afghanistan. Most certainly, there was no way they'd learn anything new from this humble and lowly Staff Sergeant...

But my observations of all that's transpired in the wake of my previous deployment and of what's occurring in 2012 in Afghanistan have led me to believe that we either do not know what we're doing, do not care, or can do nothing to change it. Our only options then and now are to stay in Afghanistan and continue in the hopes that eventually we'll reach a turning point or to leave - immediately.

Projecting a draw down was, in this humble servant's opinion, the most dangerous and costly (of American and Afghan lives) decision that our leaders have made. Whether it was made to appease those opposed to the war on the left side of the aisle or for some other reason, it was the wrong decision.

I watched from my seat in the MSNBC studio, as the President spoke from the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY, about the troop surge into Afghanistan. I felt, at once, that we and the Afghan people would finally know hope for the future of their country. And in the same speech, my heart sank as I heard him state that we'd be looking at a pull out of troops by 2014. I knew then and I'm ever more convinced that making a public statement about the draw down of troops in Afghanistan was the point at which we started to "lose" the "war" against the Taliban. I hoped and even argued that this was a statement made for political survivability reasons. I believed President Obama when he said that we'd evaluate the situation in 2014... the media took this statement in a different context - that we'd pull out by 2014.

As Brian Williams appeared on my camera, I hoped he would ask me what I felt about the troop surge, or perhaps that he'd ask for my opinion about the best way ahead for the US in Afghanistan. Instead, he asked me what I thought the troops in Afghanistan were thinking about the President's speech. I couldn't speak for anyone else and certainly not for my brothers and sisters who were down range and missing the holidays with their families. I half halfheartedly replied something along those lines.

I don't presume to know everything, be a highly educated person or any kind of expert on our policies and positions in Afghanistan. When I say that I "know," I am pulling from personal experiences, my instincts and what I've learned about human nature.

With that said, I studied Pashto and the culture of Afghanistan for 10 months prior to my 11-month deployment there in 2006 and when I returned from my tour, I spent my several idle hours at my defense contracting job reading cable upon cable, report after report and hundreds of analytical papers both for and not for public consumption. Following that job, I moved on to work as an analyst with a focus on countering the Improvised Explosive Device threats in Afghanistan. After that, I worked on the team charged with standing up, implementing and facilitating the largest counter-IED contract in the US Army (for which our team was recognized internationally by our employer, the 3rd largest defense contractor in the world).

Having been blown up by a car packed with explosives, I found this work (at least for a while) to be personally important. It was a way for me to continue the fight from home, supporting our troops from afar and dedicating myself to the fight, even if I was unable to be active directly. And many times, I have attempted to deploy back to Afghanistan, with each of those opportunities having fallen through. I have said many times, "Afghanistan gets in your blood."

During all of those jobs, I became almost fatally aware of my own issues with post-traumatic stress. I hit "rock bottom" and discovered a new passion (some would say it was an obsession but I would say it was an addiction) for veterans' advocacy. It was and has been a very personal war, waged by me and many others returning home, each in our own ways. As I move ever so fully into my purpose and get closer to realizing my dream of helping my fellow veterans as they return from war and transition out of military service, I am becoming ever more painfully aware that I am becoming less a Soldier and more and more an advocate. I am unclear how to reconcile this as this is new territory for me. I am proud of my service. I love my country. I am ever-more patriotic... if that's even possible. But I cannot reconcile in my mind - the why. If we are pulling out of Afghanistan, what and why are we still there today? Why wait? What are we waiting for? How many more Americans and NATO troops will die while we attempt to stick to our timeline for withdrawal?

New Zealand is pulling out its troops. Do they know something, are admitting something, we're not?

I know that my questions will go unanswered. It's not for the Soldier to ask why... it is for us to follow orders. But as a Citizen, I will ask my questions...

1. Why are we continuing to deploy American Soldiers and Marines to a war to support an unstable and yet-unprepared military in which we have already proclaimed that we will abandon them on a timeline? In the US Army, we have a common saying - "Train to standard, not to time." This means, we set a standard - an achievable and measurable goal and we train to that standard whether it takes us the allotted/estimated time or not. If we finish early, we go home. If we go beyond our time limit, we stay later.

2. Why hasn't anyone publicly projected that "Insider Threats" would become more prevalent and worked to mitigate that risk in a more strategic application/way that would ensure little to no loss of American lives? Is it plausible that with all of our intelligence capabilities and analysts that we would miss the concept that telling friendly Afghans that we're going to leave them to their own devices against their enemy when they are ill-prepared to defend themselves would force them to consider joining the other side for their own survival and that these "blue on green" attacks are possibly, even probably, a way for them to prove their changed loyalty as they switch to the side they have perceived to "win"? Have we failed, after a decade of war, to understand the culture of a people who are just trying to survive from day to day?

3. What is our desired end state in and for Afghanistan? What is the US Government's? The US military's? The US people's? Were we ever clear on this?

4. What will happen to our veterans and families - those who fought this war with no tangible or definitive end state? Why are we continuing to generate more of us and how/what are the government's plans to down-size the military responsibly so that we don't continue to overload the already inefficient and inadequate processes, facilities, institutions and organizations that are attempting to deal with our issues?

This time, when we deploy - I will go because my friends are going, because my sister is going, and because I've been ordered to. I will try in earnest to not lose hope that in some way, I can help make a positive impact and that by risking my life and my friends and family risking theirs, we will contribute to some amount of progress for humanity. I will try, with everything I am, to find reason, justification and conviction that my service, and possibly sacrificing my life, is for the good of our country and the Afghan people... but right now, in this moment and for the first time since I took the Oath in 2003, I am unclear as to whether or not I can deploy to Afghanistan for any other reasons than I have been ordered to and my friends/family are going.

"I, (NAME), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God"

I have not waivered in my conviction and dedication to supporting and defending "the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic..." I will obey the orders to which I am and have committed but I no longer understand why we're doing what we're doing.

Maybe, in the coming weeks and months, I'll find answers...

Into the Fire

It's difficult to know what to write about... because everything is changing so quickly. It's like trying to describe the scenery in a fast moving river from a point on the water - by the time I can find the right words and the time to articulate what I observe, I'm already further along the river...

And there's so much going on right now that I've scarcely realized the passage of time. It's already into the latter half of the year 2012! How peculiar time is.

At this time next year, I'll be deployed. There's a great deal of speculation about when/if it will happen, as I've lost count of the number of times I've been alerted in the past. In some ways, I'm ready to test what I've come to understand about myself against what I'm likely to confront there. People think that war is the hardest part of deployment but as I've said before, the most difficult parts of it all are the personalities you interact with and most of all, who you confront within yourself... or who you don't.

We, I believe, become so good at compartmentalizing our emotions in order to charlie mike (continue mission), thinking that we'll deal with them (emotions) later. Of course, we end up finding no "appropriate" time or place to do so because we busy ourselves with ever present work. That feverish pace sustains us until it just simply doesn't anymore or until we come home and there isn't that much work to be done.

But I needn't get into all of that - it's becoming all too common of a tale.

I've resigned myself to the fact that even a change in political climate is not going to impact pre-scheduled events. I'm okay with that. What wears on me is all of the uncertainty - either send me, or don't. Stop f'n with me. As I near my mid-30's and consider such selfish things as a stable relationship and perhaps, dare I say - a family, I know that if anything were to happen, it cannot happen for a few more years at the earliest.

Disclosing these thoughts is quite personal but I think it underscores some of the different considerations that women must make at certain points in their military careers. I've a number of people attempt to placate me as they mistake my thoughtfulness as longing or whining, but all biological-clock-ticking aside, I envy my brothers the fact that they have at least a decade more to go before needing to consider such things.

There is no question about my commitment to the oath I took when I reenlisted. Timed well, or not, I will go. I have complete faith -knowing that I don't understand the reasons for everything that transpires, but that everything is unfolding as it should. That, along with change, is a constant.

And what an amazing time, these transformational moments in life!

I wouldn't trade the military family I've come to know and love, even if our paths only crossed for a moment. And I wouldn't give back what I've come to know about myself over these last several years but it would be a lie to say that I'm not afraid, especially knowing what I know now, of walking into the fire again. Worse yet, knowing what I know now, I'm not looking forward to leading others into the fire because I know what they're likely to confront and their families, to endure...

Mental Dragons - To be continued...

When people ask me about my deployment experience, I tell them that I learned a lot. The hardest part of my deployment was the forced relationships and coexistence with people who were once complete strangers -- people that I might not otherwise have ever associated with. Rolling outside the wire wasn't hard, it was an adrenaline rush; the interpersonal dynamics and working relationships were what nearly undid me.

War, and all of its experiential offerings, made me more of who I am. It forced me to go within and find the strongest and most real parts of myself and pull those to the surface of my being, beyond the lies and programming that I had believed about who I was. In some cases, it answered some mysteries. Could I hold my own? Would I remember what to do if the shit ever hit the fan? If faced with direct contact, would I freeze? run? or fight? Would I be able to bring all of my battle buddies back? Those were the questions I tortured myself with then.

In essence, I confronted some of my personal mental dragons. It's hard to articulate beyond that, but I suspect that many of you get it. I just felt like sharing.

Posted on May 8 on FB, Doonesbury's The Sandbox

The Call

I got the call the other day and everything changed.

Suddenly.

I hadn't known what 2012 would bring with it but there it was.

How did it feel? I went into shock and with shock came auto-pilot. I sent out a few emails and eventually fell asleep... numb.

The next morning, I woke up with what I can only describe as an adrenaline rush. My heart was racing.

While running errands, I stopped by the shore to spend some time by the water. Being near water has always been therapeutic for me. I am, after all, a double water sign. I walked along the water's edge for a while, feeling the cool air on my skin and in my lungs. Looking out at the horizon, I tried to be present and mindful but with a heavy heart I barely succeeded. I eventually gave up and succumbed to acknowledging the turmoil of emotions in my heart. I am still not good at this yet... this 'not judging' what I perceive to be my failure at being present.

On my way back, one of the shore-dwelling cats approached me and alongside her, her kitten. On this day, the kitten was unusually needy and forgot all of the shyness she'd demonstrated in previous encounters. She meowed desperately and seemed especially skinny. I also noticed she was quite a bit more aware of her hunger. I stayed with them for a while, offering up the food a little at a time and taking care to spread it out in case other cats joined us. It would only be a matter of time.

The mother ignored the food and seemed to want only affection. As she moved to rub her head against my hand, my reflex reaction was to pull away just as I heard an internal 'mom voice' tell me that these cats could carry fleas and diseases. Then I felt a sadness in my heart. A moment later, a whisper pointed out that Mother Theresa and many others showed compassion without regard to things like diseases. I held my hand out to the cat and she nuzzled it with an urgency... my heart still hurt but now for a different reason. I needed that affection as much as she did and this small simple exchange of compassion reminded me that those moments give meaning to my life. It is in these moments of compassionate connection with other beings that my heart and soul say, "Ahh... THIS is why I am right here, just now."

I found a discarded bag and poured the contents of my water bottle into it. As the two tentatively drank the fresh water, I felt a calmness surround me. I sat with that for a while and as my companions began to bask in the sun with their full tummies, I gave thanks to the universe for having given me the blessing of this moment.

The rest of the day, I thought about many things from fears about the challenges that lay in my immediate future to the inadequacies and doubts I feel about my ability to deal with them. I thought about the lives that would be impacted and the ripple effects of turmoil that would grow more like a tsunami than dissipate concentrically. Instead of burying the sadness, I acknowledged it and sat with it.

Even amidst all of this, there are some truths I know. The core of my being knows that everything is unfolding as it should, much as a bud can't help but open into a flower. The natural order of life is such that there are no accidents but when plans or "future living" get OBE (Army acronym for "overcome by events") there can certainly be many complications. When expectations need to change and adjustments need to be made the next step is to "adjust fire" as we say.

As the minutes and hours progressed that day, I went into survival mode... and started evaluating my life with a great deal more clarity. Suddenly, these constructed dreams I had about the future were violently destroyed like a rigid house of cards in a gale-force wind. Many of the questions and uncertainties I had about decisions I needed to make and in some cases the decisions themselves were nothing short of trivial and I was left feeling a sense of oppressive responsibility to sort everything out... immediately.

Ever so often, we consciously think about what we would do if we only had a known amount of time to live. Movies have been made and bucket lists created (they even made a movie about a bucket list!) around this idea. But I had never really experienced what it was like to exist in that space until now. What if you only had six months left to live? What if you only had a week or a few hours? Now, I'm not saying that I'm dying so please don't run around spreading rumors... but I *am* saying that it's always possible and that realization changed so much of my perspective in a matter of a single second.

Today, as I went through the day feeling sad about the seemingly rash decisions I made in the last couple of days, I started to lose my resolve. Everything that seemed so clear to me even just yesterday started to feel muddled and disorienting this morning. It's as if after the adrenaline wore off, I was left with doubts and uncertainties again. That's always when the inner dialogue/battle ensues. You know, the one with your "higher self" and your "inner child."

Did I make the right choice or was I too impulsive?
No, no, it was the best decision for all involved.
Well, if that's the case then why do I hurt so much?
Growth and change can sometimes hurt and you're feeling a bit guilty. Don't try to take it back. You'll just make things worse.

I often say that war gives one a sobering dose of perspective. Sitting in the absolute shittiest place you can imagine, the important things in life become evident.

While in deep and guided introspection this evening, I realized that what I'd done was in fact truly the best thing. For the first time I can remember, I selfishly chose me. Hurray! I'm no longer missing from my life and my priorities!

THIS is what I came to my self-imposed exile to do. I didn't leave so that I could find myself but instead I came to a place where I had time and space to learn to be still so that I could hear myself - know myself again. I'm by no means finished, but I am quite proud of myself for having come so far.

Deconstructing this self-destructive and limiting life script I was given and redefining/creating the being that I have the potential and want to be is painful and powerful work but in my heart, I see no other option. In order to enable my dream of helping people realize their own dreams come true, I have to know my own.

There's still a lot of work to be had but I'm feeling hopeful and grateful...