Mental Dragons - To be continued...

When people ask me about my deployment experience, I tell them that I learned a lot. The hardest part of my deployment was the forced relationships and coexistence with people who were once complete strangers -- people that I might not otherwise have ever associated with. Rolling outside the wire wasn't hard, it was an adrenaline rush; the interpersonal dynamics and working relationships were what nearly undid me.

War, and all of its experiential offerings, made me more of who I am. It forced me to go within and find the strongest and most real parts of myself and pull those to the surface of my being, beyond the lies and programming that I had believed about who I was. In some cases, it answered some mysteries. Could I hold my own? Would I remember what to do if the shit ever hit the fan? If faced with direct contact, would I freeze? run? or fight? Would I be able to bring all of my battle buddies back? Those were the questions I tortured myself with then.

In essence, I confronted some of my personal mental dragons. It's hard to articulate beyond that, but I suspect that many of you get it. I just felt like sharing.

Posted on May 8 on FB, Doonesbury's The Sandbox

Life Lessons as We Go

A few things I've learned over the last few days...

In solid determination to ensure that something 'positive' (if that's possible) comes out of my mentor's unexpected death and also due in part to my own introspection and focus on self-awareness over the last several months (it's admittedly sometimes a losing battle), I am contemplating a few concepts. In the past I believe I have;

1) Spent far too much time 'networking' and meeting new 'friends' and I want to focus more on maintaining, cultivating and appreciating real and meaningful people/friendships of equal/mutual benefit. Not every encounter is a lasting one but that doesn't mean they aren't full of potential to make lasting and meaningful impact. Sometimes, we just cross paths to pass along messages and carry on with our lives. I expend a great amount of energy reacting to what's in front of me rather than establishing and maintaining my base and letting the world move on around me.

2) Had a tendency to be and also attract commitment-phobes and I would like to refocus my efforts on relationships where it's understood by both parties that we aren't always at our best but it's in those moments, those opportunities, when we can receive AND give the most compassion and forgiveness. All within reason, of course, as I'm not one for dysfunctional/destructive/unhealthy/toxic people or relationships.

3) Spent far too much energy on other people, projects and commitments. This has left me in an interesting predicament. Although I know what my 'purpose' (generally speaking) in this life is, I do not know what I *want* that to manifest for me. I know what I want to do (inspire/lead/empower others to realize their dreams) but I don't know WHO I want to be, WHERE I want to be or WHAT I want to have. I think the first order of business here is to acknowledge that I am not a martyr (nor do I need to be) and that if I'm to lead others to their dreams, then I should first have some of my own. :) Duh. I know.

And this is only scratching the surface of the last 10 days. March 2012 has been an INTENSE month...

Army Vet Brothers - Nick Palmisciano

Spent the better part of the day on the road to Durham, North Carolina to meet and work with the guys from Ranger Up. As of late, I've not spent too much time hanging out with a group of my male fellow veterans but I needed this. Getting on the road and having some time to catch up on a few personal phone calls, do some thinking and sing a few songs at the top of my lungs (much to Diesel Dog's bemusement/amusement) is what my buddy Scotti refers to as "rubber meets the road" therapy. He told me I needed a road trip months ago.

Although 4.5 hours from DC is probably not going to qualify as a proper 'road trip,' it's managed to achieve what a 15 minute cat-nap would... just enough to reinvigorate me till the next opportunity, I hope.

When I finally got in the AO (area of operations) I rounded the corner and saw the warehouse. With excitement, I walked into the building and felt like a little kid getting to satisfy much of my long-held curiosity on what the RU operation looks like. As someone who claims to own more RU 'chick shirts' than anyone (please feel free to challenge me on this), I found it incredibly cool to see how far Nick and the team have grown the business.

I first met Nick Palmisciano, Tom Amenta and Kelly Crigger back in 2009, I believe, at the Milblog Conference. Matt Burden of Blackfive had mentioned to Nick and me, separately, that we needed to meet. After perusing RU's awesome shirts for military/veterans and reading through some of the blog posts, I came to the immediate conclusion that RU was almost perfect... for guys.

At the pre-Milblog Conference party, I saw a group of guys in MMA-like t-shirts standing in a row across the room. I knew who Nick was in an instant. All I remember is walking straight up to him and saying, "I love Ranger Up but you guys need some bad-ass chick shirts."

I'm not sure what was going through Nick's mind at the time but if I remember correctly, what he said was "You must be Genevieve."

Mark Seavey, Princeton, Matt Bernard, Nick/AG

My memory is worse now than it ever was (and it was pretty bad way back when), but all I remember from that weekend was an early panel with TSO from This Ain't Hell (who wrote a very complimentary blog about the first time we met at the Soldiers Angels Gala in 2008), Matt Bernard who blogged anonymously and founded Brinestone, a man we will refer to as "Princeton" and myself in which the latter of the male species made some (not at all vague) disparaging remarks about the business/actions/motivations of another of his ilk, hereafter referred to as "Amherst," who was not present to respond. Low blow, in my book. I wanted desperately to respond but knew that the one general consensus in that room was the festering disaffection for Amherst. In the brief moments where I considered saying nothing, I looked down, read my name tag and realized that I was not Army Girl but was in fact, Nick Palmisciano... "Don't forget," I told everyone, "...If I say anything you don't like, my name is Nick Palmisciano." :)

There followed some warm (heated is such a strong word) debate on this and other topics like the portrayal of veterans to the American public. Princeton, most likely not knowing his audience as I did (or simply not caring), seemed to dig himself neatly into a hole which I'm told he recovered from on one-to-one conversations following the panel, quite the charmer as he is.

Feeling a bit out of my league as, you know, not having an ivy name and it being my first such panel discussion, I was beyond nervous. Bloggers, especially milbloggers, are an extremely opinionated and sometimes unforgiving lot. You really must always be on your toes, as many a reporter or rogue embedded 'journalist' has learned. (Even milbloggers have their inter-family rivalries.) But I had little to worry about because whenever I looked out at the audience, I saw a row of very intimidating former Army Rangers standing at the back of the room. I felt safe up there. After all, no one was going to mess with Nick Palmisciano... even if he was in a skirt.

That was the beginning of what I have often referred to as a sibling-like fondness and affection for Nick and the Ranger Up guys. He's far more well-versed and experienced in business (which I bug him about often but not nearly as much as I'd like) and he shared the same passion for service to country and values of leadership as I did. (Warning: If you can't handle a few f-bombs, skip the link.)

In many ways, I respect and look up to him like the brother I never had and as siblings do, we've had our issues. I will humbly admit here that in the past, not only was I an outright brat on one or a few occasions (to be fair, he was at times more "snips and snails and puppy dog tails"!), but I went through a very loooong "phase" in which I quite often imposed my opinion and unsolicited 'tough love'-type advice. On more occasions than I care to disclose (and with various friends and family members) I was an outright bitch... in the not-so-cool definition of the word.

Recently and especially since the passing over of Lex, this is something that I feel quite guilty about. Never mind the sometimes inevitable drifting apart or kind words left unspoken. I fully believe that little else compares with the guilt maggots that eat at us from the inside, borne from poisonous eggs fertilized by criticism, judgment and the inability to forgive ourselves and others. I believe, but cannot confirm yet, that the simplest (but perhaps hardest to administer) restorative to this affliction is, "I'm sorry." Which is what brings me to the nature of this post...

Nick and I haven't seen each other in a while and I'll admit that while initially nervous, it wasn't long before I felt at ease. I don't really know how to explain what it feels like to be surrounded by my brothers in arms or fellow male vets. It's a strange but respectful mix of family and professional... the only word I've ever been able to offer that comes close is 'camaraderie' but even that fails to differentiate between the awesomeness of hanging with sisters in arms/vets and brothers in arms/vets. They're equally incredible for different reasons.

Nick, Garrett, AG, Tommy, Raven, Matt, Kelly, Patriot Center, 2009

I don't know what it is about Nick and some of my more forgiving friends that has weathered us through everything from simple misunderstandings to arguments bordering on unforgivable. Maybe they grew up with more siblings/larger families and learned to coexist? Perhaps they saw through my poor behavior and loved me for who I had/have the potential to be? Or, you know, mayhap they're just crazy and like the abuse! I suspect it might be a mixture of those to varying degrees, with a heavy influence of experience in the military. As an aside, I've yet to do so here but suspect I will in time, delve deeply into why and how it is that soldiers can absolutely abhor one another for an entire deployment, and yet meet up at some later time and act as if they were old and dear friends.

Whatever the reason, I am humbled and grateful for the opportunity to express my regrets and apologize to Nick. He made it such that I didn't feel the need and thereby made it easier to do so which speaks volumes of his character and the type of man he is.

For the record, the irony and selfishness of needing to apologize does not escape me...

Update: Make sure you check back for what I was doing in Durham at the Rhino Den in the first place... to be continued.

AG