Thank You, America

The attacks on September 11, 2001 and the choices our nation's leaders made in the days following, changed our lives in ways none of us could have imagined. Today, I'm choosing to look forward, not back. I'm setting intentions to change the next 11 years in ways I can't imagine now, but know are possible. I will never forget - how could we? But I'll stop and linger only a moment on those memories and honor those who've given of themselves... 

Eleven years ago today, many great Americans gave their lives - heroes, all of them.

And since that day, many Americans have continued to dedicate their lives in the preemptive defense of our nation to find the root of terrorism and disrupt its spread. Much of today's focus will be on those we've lost and our military as America will remember to honor and appreciate our fallen innocents, our service members and veterans.

I've received many messages of gratitude for my service but as a soldier and veteran, I feel compelled to point out that I chose to serve in this capacity and I'm just as grateful for those who chose other ways in which to serve. Not all of our heroes are associated with military service...

Others, too, have served our country;

From police officers, firefighters, medics, nurses, doctors to the 911 operators, administrative specialists, IT technicians that keep our public safe, healthy and productive, all of these too, have served.

From teachers, professors and mentors to the janitors, bus drivers, cafeteria employees that help make it all happen, they too, have served to help mold and shape the minds of our nation's greatest resource - our children.

From corporations, small businesses and entrepreneurs to volunteers, admin assistants and interns, who have continued to innovate, create and improve the economy of our nation, they too, have served.

From pastors, rabbis and spiritual leaders to church-goers and faith-seekers who have continued to pray, spread good will and foster community thereby providing living examples of peace, civility and neighborly-love to cultures where this seems impossible, they too, have served.

From editors, journalists, reporters and photographers, camera crews and assistants who have dedicated their careers and sometimes put themselves in harm's way without security only to be unappreciated and denigrated, even as they reinforce and provide a forum for exercising part of the First Amendment, they too, have served.

And it doesn't stop there - America is so much more...

Today, is not just a day of remembrance, it is a day of awareness - acknowledgement. It is a day of celebration! Today, I honor every American and immigrant who abides in the "American Dream" -this once improbable concept of the innate, nay, divine right of every human soul to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Thank you, my fellow Citizens, for your unconquerable spirit, indomitable patriotism and fervent service to our nation, and for reflecting to the world the best of who we are as Americans. It is with great pride and honor that I serve our country alongside you.

US Army Reserve Reenlistment Ceremony, 2010

Climate Recon Team - Reflections

Climate Recon Team - Glacier National Park 2012
Photo provided by: Saif Khan

I have spent a lot of time processing my thoughts on the amazing experiences that occurred on my trip with the Sierra Club Mission Outdoor’s, Climate Recon Team ‘s (CRT) expedition to Glacier National Park. I tried to take time to journal many of these thoughts while on the trip as well as note the many reflections I’ve had since returning back to “society." First, I’d like to thank the many employees of our several sponsors, supporters, and the Sierra Club, as well as Nick Watson of Veterans Expeditions for making this happen. To world-class mountaineer, Conrad Anker, and award winning photographer, Jim Balog from Extreme Ice Survey, I am forever grateful to you both for your knowledge, wisdom, skills and camaraderie. It was truly an honor I can't adequately express.

One of my goals in joining the CRT for this trip was to learn and see as much as I could- from getting a better understanding of the science behind climate change and asking tough, challenging questions from the skeptic in me, to exploring a part of our home that I had never known existed (I thought Glacier National Park was in Alaska when I first heard about it!) and to seeing what discoveries I could make about myself and my place in this world. I didn't know what to expect but I was extremely grateful and had very much looked forward to the opportunity. In some ways, I knew that it would be a life changing experience. What I didn't know was how life affirming it would end up being.

From the very first days of starting American Women Veterans (AWV) in 2009, I believed that getting veterans together, away from their daily lives and amongst the perfection and unpredictability of nature, was a key to finding our way back to the lives we felt disconnected to. For some, it would be a journey we could take to find whatever we'd felt we lost. I sensed that we could discover new aspects of ourselves and in the safe space created by a small group of those who understood where we were coming from, we could maybe also find healing. I never could explain it, but I knew it to be true.

Remarkables, New Zealand
Photo: Chris Prudden

Before going to Montana I had one other mountain top experience in New Zealand this past April.  While sitting on Single Cone peak in the Remarkables in New Zealand, I'd had what I can only describe as a moment of perfect peace, or perhaps... a revelation. Watching small wisps of a cloud swirl around the ridge below me, I took in the expanse of the view. How do you describe heaven? I took a deep breath and tried to get in touch with what I was feeling. In that moment, I was truly in awe. Everything in the world below looked so vast and so out of reach. The mountains in the distance beckoned to be climbed so that they could, in turn, reveal their glories. If I ever thought that I could fly and wanted to... it was in that moment. 

But what of the "social" world? The town below looked so insignificant. And then a realization... "All that matters in this moment, here and now, is me and the rock I'm sitting on." I tried to recall my worries, the massive responsibility of growing AWV, my injured and raw heart, the overwhelming and oppressive monster of medical bills and debt, the uncertainty of my future - my purpose in this life. None of the thoughts that weighed so heavily on me hours before, evoked in me any sense of fear or anxiety as I sat on that peak. I could think about those things and not feel overcome by them - I was sitting above the clouds, looking down on the worries of my daily life and I knew that everything... absolutely everything, was going to be okay.

To test this new liberated feeling, I pushed myself to think of even more painful memories, remembering friends and family that I've lost. No pain. From that same place of peace, I knew that everything was and has been unfolding as it should. I felt closer to those I’ve lost, up there above the clouds. I could feel no sadness, just a sense of indescribable love. And I knew that I would be able to let go and move on.

As I packed for my trip to Glacier National Park, I wondered if I would I be able to find that place within again in Montana...

Remarkables, New Zealand
Photo: Chris Prudden

Neptunus Lex

When I'd get my heart broken and SWEAR I wasn't going to let that happen again, you'd say "Chérie... Love is the triumph of hope over experience."

If I started dating someone new your first response was a call for "**precise** coordinates."  

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." Marcus Aurelius

You never, not once, ever asked anything of me and ever so often, when you sensed I was going through a tough time, you'd always let me know you were there...

And I was such a terrible friend.

I told you to stay put in your box! I told you it was enough and although I understand more than I care to admit and know you'd have had it no other way, I can't help being so angry at you for leaving too soon.

In my heart, I can almost hear you interjecting here to remind me about a cat in a box... I don't want to smile right now.

We joked about the fact that "bloggers never read other blogger's blogs" but when my desire to write started drifting off, you tried to encourage me to keep going. But whatever was in me that kept me writing left. I never was really sure why and never wanted to think about it. Maybe it was the idea that in starting AWV and having to put myself out there publicly, "the real me" might let those who had come to expect so much of me down? All I know is that I no longer had the desire to write and I threw myself into working so hard that I didn't have to ever really think about the why.

Then on that night in March, I held a vigil by my computer and phone waiting to hear final confirmation that it was not you but some mistake... hoping against and fighting what my heart knew. Knowing that if it wasn't you, it still would have been someone else and feeling the guilt of that desperate hope. I opened up a dozen different tabs on the internet, looking for and reading every correspondence I could find. Reading them was like pouring rubbing alcohol on a raw wound - excruciatingly painful but necessary. I had nothing else I could do while waiting.

I had texted you at 0930 EST that morning, "Always be your best you. :) A "hope you have a happy day" text from Eve!" What time was it then, in the skies above Nevada? Did you see the text before you took off? It pains me to consider the irony.

And just the day before, you'd teased me about not having been invited to the Sea Services Women's Conference via Twitter, "@GenevieveChase So many women in uniform an I wasn't invited #notfair"

Gone? That just didn't seem possible... yet I could feel the weight of that truth.

When it was finally confirmed, I cried until I fell asleep. I cried for days. All these months later and I still cry too much. Not for you because I know you're free from these earth-bound emotions but for us - all of those who love you and for your family. I couldn't begin to comprehend their grief, undoubtedly so much greater than my own.

In the following days and weeks since, inexplicable things happened that I believe I cannot share here - but if what I feel is true, then I don't need to. It suffices to say that through a series of occurrences (were I to reveal them would surely prompt others to consider committing me) I happened across many bread crumbs you left me. And in the months since, I've felt this urging to write again despite my stubborn resistance to doing so.

When I asked you why you blogged several years ago, you responded with;

"I wanted to examine my own thoughts and experiences publicly, to expose them to criticism and scrutiny, to defend my point of view even as I learned to more fully appreciate other peoples' world view. . . . People are so very hard to know, but when you find someone that really is? Who has that fire inside of them? I want to know them . . . to know all that they are and think and feel and compare it to the world as I understand it. Mostly I keep that desire in check because people don't *want* to be known that well, they want to keep the private mask behind the public mask and never let you see their actual "face." I think we're afraid that in being "seen" we are also being "judged" and the introspective soul is always concerned that they might be judged severely, found wanting by others even as they find imperfections in themselves. We are terrified of being really, truly known.

But think how liberating it would be.

It is our imperfections, and our attempts to either fix them or render them harmless that define who we are as truly self-aware human beings."

- USN Captain Carrol "Lex" Lefon, 1961-2012

But you were right, as you so often were (if only admitting it would make me feel better), "It is our imperfections, and our attempts to either fix them or render them harmless that define who we are as truly self-aware human beings." And I don't know yet, how liberating that will be but I'm finally realizing that I want to find out. Because I simply can't stay here in this silence, anymore.

But you knew, more than I, that I couldn't hide for long, didn't you? It's the Writer's Curse, isn't it? 

Words liberate our souls...

Your legacy lives on in your family and in all of us who had the honor of knowing and loving you. 

"Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." - Daniel 12:3

Thank you for your "unbearable lightness," Lex. I will do my best.

Fair winds and following seas... my dear friend. I suspect you're soaring the heavens... 

Army Girl 

-------

"The families of combat veterans, and sometimes even their therapists, demand in frustration, "Why can't you put it behind you? Why can't you just forget?" Odysseus' vow, I won't forget a thing," is the vow of a combat soldier to his dead comrades to keep faith with them, to keep their memory alive. Bewildered families, hurt and feeling cheated by the amount of energy their veterans pour into dead comrades, apparently do not realize that to forget the dead dishonors the living veteran. In asking the veteran to forget, the family asks him to dishonor himself."

- Jonathan Shay, MD, PHD, Odysseus in America, Combat Trauma and the Trials of Homecoming

Light in a Box

My Dearest Friend,

It came to me today. It took a while but I finally got it. VERY FREAKIN' FUNNY. Hilarious, in fact... (Note: Sarcasm)

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. am I supposed to do with light in a freakin' box? I am not you. I am not worthy nor am I ready.

So not at all funny.

I'm still mad at you even though I know I should be thanking you for your gift... I'm just not there yet.

I'm sorry that I missed Memorial Day but you know not a day goes by that I don't think of you...

But if I could give the world to bring you back. It still needs you.

RIP.