Climate Recon Team - Reflections

Climate Recon Team - Glacier National Park 2012
Photo provided by: Saif Khan

I have spent a lot of time processing my thoughts on the amazing experiences that occurred on my trip with the Sierra Club Mission Outdoor’s, Climate Recon Team ‘s (CRT) expedition to Glacier National Park. I tried to take time to journal many of these thoughts while on the trip as well as note the many reflections I’ve had since returning back to “society." First, I’d like to thank the many employees of our several sponsors, supporters, and the Sierra Club, as well as Nick Watson of Veterans Expeditions for making this happen. To world-class mountaineer, Conrad Anker, and award winning photographer, Jim Balog from Extreme Ice Survey, I am forever grateful to you both for your knowledge, wisdom, skills and camaraderie. It was truly an honor I can't adequately express.

One of my goals in joining the CRT for this trip was to learn and see as much as I could- from getting a better understanding of the science behind climate change and asking tough, challenging questions from the skeptic in me, to exploring a part of our home that I had never known existed (I thought Glacier National Park was in Alaska when I first heard about it!) and to seeing what discoveries I could make about myself and my place in this world. I didn't know what to expect but I was extremely grateful and had very much looked forward to the opportunity. In some ways, I knew that it would be a life changing experience. What I didn't know was how life affirming it would end up being.

From the very first days of starting American Women Veterans (AWV) in 2009, I believed that getting veterans together, away from their daily lives and amongst the perfection and unpredictability of nature, was a key to finding our way back to the lives we felt disconnected to. For some, it would be a journey we could take to find whatever we'd felt we lost. I sensed that we could discover new aspects of ourselves and in the safe space created by a small group of those who understood where we were coming from, we could maybe also find healing. I never could explain it, but I knew it to be true.

Remarkables, New Zealand
Photo: Chris Prudden

Before going to Montana I had one other mountain top experience in New Zealand this past April.  While sitting on Single Cone peak in the Remarkables in New Zealand, I'd had what I can only describe as a moment of perfect peace, or perhaps... a revelation. Watching small wisps of a cloud swirl around the ridge below me, I took in the expanse of the view. How do you describe heaven? I took a deep breath and tried to get in touch with what I was feeling. In that moment, I was truly in awe. Everything in the world below looked so vast and so out of reach. The mountains in the distance beckoned to be climbed so that they could, in turn, reveal their glories. If I ever thought that I could fly and wanted to... it was in that moment. 

But what of the "social" world? The town below looked so insignificant. And then a realization... "All that matters in this moment, here and now, is me and the rock I'm sitting on." I tried to recall my worries, the massive responsibility of growing AWV, my injured and raw heart, the overwhelming and oppressive monster of medical bills and debt, the uncertainty of my future - my purpose in this life. None of the thoughts that weighed so heavily on me hours before, evoked in me any sense of fear or anxiety as I sat on that peak. I could think about those things and not feel overcome by them - I was sitting above the clouds, looking down on the worries of my daily life and I knew that everything... absolutely everything, was going to be okay.

To test this new liberated feeling, I pushed myself to think of even more painful memories, remembering friends and family that I've lost. No pain. From that same place of peace, I knew that everything was and has been unfolding as it should. I felt closer to those I’ve lost, up there above the clouds. I could feel no sadness, just a sense of indescribable love. And I knew that I would be able to let go and move on.

As I packed for my trip to Glacier National Park, I wondered if I would I be able to find that place within again in Montana...

Remarkables, New Zealand
Photo: Chris Prudden

Climate Recon Team - From the Journal

These are excerpts from my journal written during the Climate Recon Team (CRT) expedition to Glacier National Park as well as reflections since returning back to "society." This experience would not have been possible without the employees of our many sponsors, supporters, as well as Stacy Bare of the Sierra Club's Mission Outdoors - Military Families and Veterans Initiative and Nick Watson of Veterans Expeditions. The CRT was made up of active military and veterans and led by world-class mountaineer Conrad Anker and award winning photographer, Jim Balog (Extreme Ice Survey.) I am, as always, forever grateful to all of you.

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August 11, 2012

Just did my initial interview. It wasn't hard... but it wasn't easy. I tried not to break down but I still do - always.

There's so much I feel like people could hear and I want so much to share how important and valuable I think this experience is and is going to be. From Afghanistan, to gardening, to doing my physical training outdoors, to exploring New Zealand - nature is the one place that affords me a sense of peace.

After the interview, Stacy, Jim and the camera guys (Rob, Anjin and Matt) all thanked me. Jim walked with me as I was leaving and said he'd done a lot of speaking and research, for years, on the therapeutic nature of the outdoors to include studying many perspectives in the field. He said that he'd never heard anyone connect the outdoors to healing as eloquently as I had.

I awkwardly thanked him for saying so because I'm sure had he not done so, I would have walked away feeling like an idiot and second guessing myself for every word that I'd said. He hugged me and told me not to - "It was perfect."

I had to come and write this down in my journal because I know that I'll forget it and I want to remember this moment.

Gotta get back to organizing my gear. Tomorrow we're heading up to Grinnell Glacier...

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I remember feeling embarrassed even though I wasn't the only one in tears. The film crew gave heartfelt thanks, too and I walked away trying to regain my composure but hold on to the significance of that moment so I could process it. The reason it was so important to write down what Jim had said was because I would forget it in the moments following the interview. I don't retain compliments well, but I want to start being more gracious and appreciative of them. Compliments are...

"The families of combat veterans, and sometimes even their therapists, demand in frustration, "Why can't you put it behind you? Why can't you just forget?" Odysseus' vow, I won't forget a thing," is the vow of a combat soldier to his dead comrades to keep faith with them, to keep their memory alive. Bewildered families, hurt and feeling cheated by the amount of energy their veterans pour into dead comrades, apparently do not realize that to forget the dead dishonors the living veteran. In asking the veteran to forget, the family asks him to dishonor himself."

- Jonathan Shay, MD, PHD, Odysseus in America, Combat Trauma and the Trials of Homecoming

Ithaca & The Odyssey

I'm trying to start a new routine/habit of taking a few moments in every morning for myself and no one else. I've cleared a sacred space in my favorite place, the patio, and I drink a steaming cup of PG Tips (w/ cream & sugar, please) and search for the day's inspiration. This AM, I found it in my new O Magazine and from none other than Martha Beck and I had to share;

"Of course, even after Odysseus's homecoming, he had to keep adventuring, to manage a kingdom filled with pretenders and thieves. But his journey had made him comfortable with uncertainty and improvisation. He mapped out yet another plan, routed his competitors, reclaimed his position, and rejoined his beloved wife. Then he ruled wisely and well, not in spite of his troublesome journey but because of it. Odysseus's destination was Ithaca, but his destiny was The Odyssey."

"You, too, were born to become yourself by creating the experiences you live. Generations from now, your descendants will unroll the tattered map of your life, partly to celebrate your legendary homecoming, but mostly to remember the odyssey that was your real purpose all along."

Sometimes, I feel like she's channeling, that Martha woman. But more than anything, I feel like she 'gets' us.

To all my veterans - read those words again and dwell for a moment in the thoughts they bring forth. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST or the things that happen(ed) to you BUT WE ARE stronger for what we've witnessed and experienced.

And through those experiences, we've all been given the tools to achieve great measures of success, however our souls define it, should we choose to do so. I don't just believe that - I KNOW it.

Originally published on May 22 @ FB.