Reason #2342 that I Love Coaching:
I often felt like an outsider when in groups of people. When I was younger, I blamed it on others in the group. "They just don't get me..." and "These people aren't my speed." Then as I got older it became more "I am not trying hard enough to get along with others..." and "I'm doing something wrong..." or "It's all in my head." I became a performer, an "extrovert," and people said I was talkative, outgoing, and loved attention. I always left group settings feeling incredibly drained and exhausted.
During my Life Coach Training, one of the teachers asked me if it was possible that sometimes maybe I really just didn't belong. Was it possible that I was out of my element and needed to change it? As simple as it sounds, I hadn't considered that possibility but rather had worked myself into a variety of different limiting beliefs about the value of myself and others. Although I wasn't sure that changing my environment was always the right answer (there's rarely one answer that's always true), I did think it was absolutely possible that there were times I had put myself in the wrong groups of people. The training helped me learn how to remove those ideas that kept me stuck. From there, I cleared out those unhelpful thoughts and could be receptive to what I wanted to feel - more comfortable in myself no matter where I was or who I was with.
Yes, I could probably do this pretty well on my own... eventually. Martha Beck compares Life Coaching to hiring a personal trainer. Sure, most of us know how to work out at the gym but Personal Training isn't a multi-bazillion dollar industry because people love to throw away money hiring a hot trainer to tell them how to inflict pain on themselves. (Okay, this isn't true for everyone!). It's a huge industry because we know that if we hire that super-hot trainer, maybe we can get super-hot bodies and feel/look/hunt-for-super-hot-bodies, sooner. We have a plan! A goal! And we know when we pay that person, they're going to guide (kick our asses) us to our best selves but frustratingly, we still have to sweat it out and do our own work!
As I study people and spiritual traditions and work on self-coaching and coaching others, I learn more about how I interact with the energy of my environment and people in that environment. I've come to trust that I'm in particular groups for a reason and that although not always apparent, I've only to be patient until the purpose of my presence in that time and space becomes apparent to me. There's always that moment of "Ahh. Now, I know why I am here in this moment, in this place, and with this person."
What I've learned is that I'm able to be more present in my interactions with others and that gives me the opportunity to be ever so much more grateful for the people that honor me with their presence in my life.
If you're like me and reviewing 2013, asking yourself where you want to make some adjustments to make 2014 a most kick-ass year, consider trying something different when you set your resolutions and your budget for next year. Instead of just hiring a trainer for your body, get one for your heart and mind, too!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
From the Poet at Prettier Than Plath
Love this and wanted to share an excerpt. Sometimes we forget how poetry is music to the soul.
~ Silence ~Read the rest: Prettier Than Plath
Filters never come into play unless we're shot-gunning negative slander
Our sentences could be so much grander
if each word was meant to love each second
if we didn't waste our time speaking pennies
we could be shouting millions
we could be rich in billions
we could be golden in every corner and crevice
we could be diamond clear and sapphire blue
but when was the last time you said I love you?
How are people supposed to know when you don't tell them
when you sit in solemn silence...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thank You, America
The attacks on September 11, 2001 and the choices our nation's leaders made in the days following, changed our lives in ways none of us could have imagined. Today, I'm choosing to look forward, not back. I'm setting intentions to change the next 11 years in ways I can't imagine now, but know are possible. I will never forget - how could we? But I'll stop and linger only a moment on those memories and honor those who've given of themselves...
Eleven years ago today, many great Americans gave their lives - heroes, all of them.
And since that day, many Americans have continued to dedicate their lives in the preemptive defense of our nation to find the root of terrorism and disrupt its spread. Much of today's focus will be on those we've lost and our military as America will remember to honor and appreciate our fallen innocents, our service members and veterans.
I've received many messages of gratitude for my service but as a soldier and veteran, I feel compelled to point out that I chose to serve in this capacity and I'm just as grateful for those who chose other ways in which to serve. Not all of our heroes are associated with military service...
Others, too, have served our country;
From police officers, firefighters, medics, nurses, doctors to the 911 operators, administrative specialists, IT technicians that keep our public safe, healthy and productive, all of these too, have served.
From teachers, professors and mentors to the janitors, bus drivers, cafeteria employees that help make it all happen, they too, have served to help mold and shape the minds of our nation's greatest resource - our children.
From corporations, small businesses and entrepreneurs to volunteers, admin assistants and interns, who have continued to innovate, create and improve the economy of our nation, they too, have served.
From pastors, rabbis and spiritual leaders to church-goers and faith-seekers who have continued to pray, spread good will and foster community thereby providing living examples of peace, civility and neighborly-love to cultures where this seems impossible, they too, have served.
From editors, journalists, reporters and photographers, camera crews and assistants who have dedicated their careers and sometimes put themselves in harm's way without security only to be unappreciated and denigrated, even as they reinforce and provide a forum for exercising part of the First Amendment, they too, have served.
And it doesn't stop there - America is so much more...
Today, is not just a day of remembrance, it is a day of awareness - acknowledgement. It is a day of celebration! Today, I honor every American and immigrant who abides in the "American Dream" -this once improbable concept of the innate, nay, divine right of every human soul to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
Thank you, my fellow Citizens, for your unconquerable spirit, indomitable patriotism and fervent service to our nation, and for reflecting to the world the best of who we are as Americans. It is with great pride and honor that I serve our country alongside you.
Eleven years ago today, many great Americans gave their lives - heroes, all of them.
And since that day, many Americans have continued to dedicate their lives in the preemptive defense of our nation to find the root of terrorism and disrupt its spread. Much of today's focus will be on those we've lost and our military as America will remember to honor and appreciate our fallen innocents, our service members and veterans.
I've received many messages of gratitude for my service but as a soldier and veteran, I feel compelled to point out that I chose to serve in this capacity and I'm just as grateful for those who chose other ways in which to serve. Not all of our heroes are associated with military service...
Others, too, have served our country;
From police officers, firefighters, medics, nurses, doctors to the 911 operators, administrative specialists, IT technicians that keep our public safe, healthy and productive, all of these too, have served.
From teachers, professors and mentors to the janitors, bus drivers, cafeteria employees that help make it all happen, they too, have served to help mold and shape the minds of our nation's greatest resource - our children.
From corporations, small businesses and entrepreneurs to volunteers, admin assistants and interns, who have continued to innovate, create and improve the economy of our nation, they too, have served.
From pastors, rabbis and spiritual leaders to church-goers and faith-seekers who have continued to pray, spread good will and foster community thereby providing living examples of peace, civility and neighborly-love to cultures where this seems impossible, they too, have served.
From editors, journalists, reporters and photographers, camera crews and assistants who have dedicated their careers and sometimes put themselves in harm's way without security only to be unappreciated and denigrated, even as they reinforce and provide a forum for exercising part of the First Amendment, they too, have served.
And it doesn't stop there - America is so much more...
Thank you, my fellow Citizens, for your unconquerable spirit, indomitable patriotism and fervent service to our nation, and for reflecting to the world the best of who we are as Americans. It is with great pride and honor that I serve our country alongside you.
 |
| US Army Reserve Reenlistment Ceremony, 2010 |
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Climate Recon Team - Reflections
 |
| Climate Recon Team - Glacier National Park 2012 Photo provided by: Saif Khan |
One of my goals in joining the CRT for this trip was to learn and see as much as I could- from getting a better understanding of the science behind climate change and asking tough, challenging questions from the skeptic in me, to exploring a part of our home that I had never known existed (I thought Glacier National Park was in Alaska when I first heard about it!) and to seeing what discoveries I could make about myself and my place in this world. I didn't know what to expect but I was extremely grateful and had very much looked forward to the opportunity. In some ways, I knew that it would be a life changing experience. What I didn't know was how life affirming it would end up being.
From the very first days of starting American Women Veterans (AWV) in 2009, I believed that getting veterans together, away from their daily lives and amongst the perfection and unpredictability of nature, was a key to finding our way back to the lives we felt disconnected to. For some, it would be a journey we could take to find whatever we'd felt we lost. I sensed that we could discover new aspects of ourselves and in the safe space created by a small group of those who understood where we were coming from, we could maybe also find healing. I never could explain it, but I knew it to be true.
 |
| Remarkables, New Zealand Photo: Chris Prudden |
But what of the "social" world? The town below looked so insignificant. And then a realization... "All that matters in this moment, here and now, is me and the rock I'm sitting on." I tried to recall my worries, the massive responsibility of growing AWV, my injured and raw heart, the overwhelming and oppressive monster of medical bills and debt, the uncertainty of my future - my purpose in this life. None of the thoughts that weighed so heavily on me hours before, evoked in me any sense of fear or anxiety as I sat on that peak. I could think about those things and not feel overcome by them - I was sitting above the clouds, looking down on the worries of my daily life and I knew that everything... absolutely everything, was going to be okay.
To test this new liberated feeling, I pushed myself to think of even more painful memories, remembering friends and family that I've lost. No pain. From that same place of peace, I knew that everything was and has been unfolding as it should. I felt closer to those I’ve lost, up there above the clouds. I could feel no sadness, just a sense of indescribable love. And I knew that I would be able to let go and move on.
As I packed for my trip to Glacier National Park, I wondered if I would I be able to find that place within again in Montana...
 |
| Remarkables, New Zealand Photo: Chris Prudden |
Monday, August 27, 2012
Climate Recon Team - From the Journal
These are excerpts from my journal written during the Climate Recon Team (CRT) expedition to Glacier National Park as well as reflections since returning back to "society." This experience would not have been possible without the employees of our many sponsors, supporters, as well as Stacy Bare of the Sierra Club's Mission Outdoors - Military Families and Veterans Initiative and Nick Watson of Veterans Expeditions. The CRT was made up of active military and veterans and led by world-class mountaineer Conrad Anker and award winning photographer, Jim Balog (Extreme Ice Survey.) I am, as always, forever grateful to all of you.
---------
August 11, 2012
Just did my initial interview. It wasn't hard... but it wasn't easy. I tried not to break down but I still do - always.
There's so much I feel like people could hear and I want so much to share how important and valuable I think this experience is and is going to be. From Afghanistan, to gardening, to doing my physical training outdoors, to exploring New Zealand - nature is the one place that affords me a sense of peace.
After the interview, Stacy, Jim and the camera guys (Rob, Anjin and Matt) all thanked me. Jim walked with me as I was leaving and said he'd done a lot of speaking and research, for years, on the therapeutic nature of the outdoors to include studying many perspectives in the field. He said that he'd never heard anyone connect the outdoors to healing as eloquently as I had.
I awkwardly thanked him for saying so because I'm sure had he not done so, I would have walked away feeling like an idiot and second guessing myself for every word that I'd said. He hugged me and told me not to - "It was perfect."
I had to come and write this down in my journal because I know that I'll forget it and I want to remember this moment.
Gotta get back to organizing my gear. Tomorrow we're heading up to Grinnell Glacier...
I remember feeling embarrassed even though I wasn't the only one in tears. The film crew gave heartfelt thanks, too and I walked away trying to regain my composure but hold on to the significance of that moment so I could process it. The reason it was so important to write down what Jim had said was because I would forget it in the moments following the interview. I don't retain compliments well, but I want to start being more gracious and appreciative of them. Compliments are...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Neptunus Lex
When I'd get my heart broken and SWEAR I wasn't going to let that happen again, you'd say "Chérie... Love is the triumph of hope over
experience."
If I started dating someone new your first response was a call for "**precise** coordinates."
And I was such a terrible friend.
I told you to stay put in your box! I told you it was enough and although I understand more than I care to admit and know you'd have had it no other way, I can't help being so angry at you for leaving too soon.
Gone? That just didn't seem possible... yet I could feel the weight of that truth.
If I started dating someone new your first response was a call for "**precise** coordinates."
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." Marcus Aurelius
You never, not once, ever asked anything of me and ever so often, when you sensed I was going through a tough time, you'd always let me know you were there...
And I was such a terrible friend.
I told you to stay put in your box! I told you it was enough and although I understand more than I care to admit and know you'd have had it no other way, I can't help being so angry at you for leaving too soon.
In my heart, I can almost hear you interjecting here to remind me about a cat in a box... I don't want to smile right now.
We joked about the fact that "bloggers never read other blogger's blogs" but when my desire to write started drifting off, you tried to encourage me to keep going. But whatever was in me that kept me writing left. I never was really sure why and never wanted to think about it. Maybe it was the idea that in starting AWV and having to put myself out there publicly, "the real me" might let those who had come to expect so much of me down? All I know is that I no longer had the desire to write and I threw myself into working so hard that I didn't have to ever really think about the why.
Then on that night in March, I held a vigil by my computer and phone waiting to hear final confirmation that it was not you but some mistake... hoping against and fighting what my heart knew. Knowing that if it wasn't you, it still would have been someone else and feeling the guilt of that desperate hope. I opened up a dozen different tabs on the internet, looking for and reading every correspondence I could find. Reading them was like pouring rubbing alcohol on a raw wound - excruciatingly painful but necessary. I had nothing else I could do while waiting.
I had texted you at 0930 EST that morning, "Always be your best you. :) A "hope you have a happy day" text from Eve!" What time was it then, in the skies above Nevada? Did you see the text before you took off? It pains me to consider the irony.
And just the day before, you'd teased me about not having been invited to the Sea Services Women's Conference via Twitter, "@GenevieveChase So many women in uniform an I wasn't invited#notfair"
Then on that night in March, I held a vigil by my computer and phone waiting to hear final confirmation that it was not you but some mistake... hoping against and fighting what my heart knew. Knowing that if it wasn't you, it still would have been someone else and feeling the guilt of that desperate hope. I opened up a dozen different tabs on the internet, looking for and reading every correspondence I could find. Reading them was like pouring rubbing alcohol on a raw wound - excruciatingly painful but necessary. I had nothing else I could do while waiting.
I had texted you at 0930 EST that morning, "Always be your best you. :) A "hope you have a happy day" text from Eve!" What time was it then, in the skies above Nevada? Did you see the text before you took off? It pains me to consider the irony.
And just the day before, you'd teased me about not having been invited to the Sea Services Women's Conference via Twitter, "@GenevieveChase So many women in uniform an I wasn't invited
Gone? That just didn't seem possible... yet I could feel the weight of that truth.
When it was finally confirmed, I cried until I fell asleep. I cried for days. All these months later and I still cry too much. Not for you because I know you're free from these earth-bound emotions but for us - all of those who love you and for your family. I couldn't begin to comprehend their grief, undoubtedly so much greater than my own.
In the following days and weeks since, inexplicable things happened that I believe I cannot share here - but if what I feel is true, then I don't need to. It suffices to say that through a series of occurrences (were I to reveal them would surely prompt others to consider committing me) I happened across many bread crumbs you left me. And in the months since, I've felt this urging to write again despite my stubborn resistance to doing so.
When I asked you why you blogged several years ago, you responded with;In the following days and weeks since, inexplicable things happened that I believe I cannot share here - but if what I feel is true, then I don't need to. It suffices to say that through a series of occurrences (were I to reveal them would surely prompt others to consider committing me) I happened across many bread crumbs you left me. And in the months since, I've felt this urging to write again despite my stubborn resistance to doing so.
"I wanted to examine my own thoughts and experiences publicly, to expose them to criticism and scrutiny, to defend my point of view even as I learned to more fully appreciate other peoples' world view. . . . People are so very hard to know, but when you find someone that really is? Who has that fire inside of them? I want to know them . . . to know all that they are and think and feel and compare it to the world as I understand it. Mostly I keep that desire in check because people don't *want* to be known that well, they want to keep the private mask behind the public mask and never let you see their actual "face." I think we're afraid that in being "seen" we are also being "judged" and the introspective soul is always concerned that they might be judged severely, found wanting by others even as they find imperfections in themselves. We are terrified of being really, truly known.
But think how liberating it would be.
It is our imperfections, and our attempts to either fix them or render them harmless that define who we are as truly self-aware human beings."
- USN Captain Carrol "Lex" Lefon, 1961-2012
But you knew, more than I, that I couldn't hide for long, didn't you? It's the Writer's Curse, isn't it?
Words liberate our souls...
Your legacy lives on
in your family and in all of us who had the honor of knowing and loving
you.
"Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever." - Daniel 12:3
Thank you for your "unbearable lightness," Lex. I will do my best.
Fair winds and following seas... my dear friend.
I suspect you're soaring the heavens...
Army Girl
-------
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Questions for My Country's Leaders - from a Citizen, Veteran, Advocate and Soldier.
When I joined the military in 2003, I was full of a sense of urgency and a great deal of idealism. The granddaughter of a survivor of the Korean War, I felt a sense of pride and duty to serve my country in a time of war and I had this dream that one day, young women in Afghanistan would have the opportunities and hope that I had grown up with - something my grandmother could never have conceived of for herself or her daughters but that my sisters and I would realize.
I deployed in 2006 and learned a lot. Despite the disappointments and the seemingly overwhelming onslaught of dream crushing events, I found flowers growing in mine fields - literally and figuratively. There, amidst the fear, oppression, death and decades of destruction that have been the daily reality the women and children of Afghanistan, I still found reason to hope.
Today, over eight years after my initial enlistment, I am finally facing the reality that I have become... disenchanted?
As I consider what it means to deploy to Afghanistan again, I'm wrought with frustration, guilt and a lack of clarity of purpose. When I consider what we're doing and how we're going about achieving this new and unclear end-state, I arrive at countless questions.
In 2009, when I testified on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about my experiences in Afghanistan, I had many answers... answers that I'd known previously but had only been given the opportunity to Monday morning quarterback. Answers that I'd given no voice to because I felt inadequate due to lack of age and ignorant by lack of formal education, even. Surely, the people who were making the decisions to send us off to war were far more informed than I... Of course they knew and had studied the history of Afghanistan, our history with Afghanistan, and the culture of the people of Afghanistan. Most certainly, there was no way they'd learn anything new from this humble and lowly Staff Sergeant...
But my observations of all that's transpired in the wake of my previous deployment and of what's occurring in 2012 in Afghanistan have led me to believe that we either do not know what we're doing, do not care, or can do nothing to change it. Our only options then and now are to stay in Afghanistan and continue in the hopes that eventually we'll reach a turning point or to leave - immediately.
Projecting a draw down was, in this humble servant's opinion, the most dangerous and costly (of American and Afghan lives) decision that our leaders have made. Whether it was made to appease those opposed to the war on the left side of the aisle or for some other reason, it was the wrong decision.
I watched from my seat in the MSNBC studio, as the President spoke from the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY, about the troop surge into Afghanistan. I felt, at once, that we and the Afghan people would finally know hope for the future of their country. And in the same speech, my heart sank as I heard him state that we'd be looking at a pull out of troops by 2014. I knew then and I'm ever more convinced that making a public statement about the draw down of troops in Afghanistan was the point at which we started to "lose" the "war" against the Taliban. I hoped and even argued that this was a statement made for political survivability reasons. I believed President Obama when he said that we'd evaluate the situation in 2014... the media took this statement in a different context - that we'd pull out by 2014.
As Brian Williams appeared on my camera, I hoped he would ask me what I felt about the troop surge, or perhaps that he'd ask for my opinion about the best way ahead for the US in Afghanistan. Instead, he asked me what I thought the troops in Afghanistan were thinking about the President's speech. I couldn't speak for anyone else and certainly not for my brothers and sisters who were down range and missing the holidays with their families. I half halfheartedly replied something along those lines.
I don't presume to know everything, be a highly educated person or any kind of expert on our policies and positions in Afghanistan. When I say that I "know," I am pulling from personal experiences, my instincts and what I've learned about human nature.
With that said, I studied Pashto and the culture of Afghanistan for 10 months prior to my 11-month deployment there in 2006 and when I returned from my tour, I spent my several idle hours at my defense contracting job reading cable upon cable, report after report and hundreds of analytical papers both for and not for public consumption. Following that job, I moved on to work as an analyst with a focus on countering the Improvised Explosive Device threats in Afghanistan. After that, I worked on the team charged with standing up, implementing and facilitating the largest counter-IED contract in the US Army (for which our team was recognized internationally by our employer, the 3rd largest defense contractor in the world).
Having been blown up by a car packed with explosives, I found this work (at least for a while) to be personally important. It was a way for me to continue the fight from home, supporting our troops from afar and dedicating myself to the fight, even if I was unable to be active directly. And many times, I have attempted to deploy back to Afghanistan, with each of those opportunities having fallen through. I have said many times, "Afghanistan gets in your blood."
During all of those jobs, I became almost fatally aware of my own issues with post-traumatic stress. I hit "rock bottom" and discovered a new passion (some would say it was an obsession but I would say it was an addiction) for veterans' advocacy. It was and has been a very personal war, waged by me and many others returning home, each in our own ways. As I move ever so fully into my purpose and get closer to realizing my dream of helping my fellow veterans as they return from war and transition out of military service, I am becoming ever more painfully aware that I am becoming less a Soldier and more and more an advocate. I am unclear how to reconcile this as this is new territory for me. I am proud of my service. I love my country. I am ever-more patriotic... if that's even possible. But I cannot reconcile in my mind - the why. If we are pulling out of Afghanistan, what and why are we still there today? Why wait? What are we waiting for? How many more Americans and NATO troops will die while we attempt to stick to our timeline for withdrawal?
New Zealand is pulling out its troops. Do they know something, are admitting something, we're not?
I know that my questions will go unanswered. It's not for the Soldier to ask why... it is for us to follow orders. But as a Citizen, I will ask my questions...
1. Why are we continuing to deploy American Soldiers and Marines to a war to support an unstable and yet-unprepared military in which we have already proclaimed that we will abandon them on a timeline? In the US Army, we have a common saying - "Train to standard, not to time." This means, we set a standard - an achievable and measurable goal and we train to that standard whether it takes us the allotted/estimated time or not. If we finish early, we go home. If we go beyond our time limit, we stay later.
2. Why hasn't anyone publicly projected that "Insider Threats" would become more prevalent and worked to mitigate that risk in a more strategic application/way that would ensure little to no loss of American lives? Is it plausible that with all of our intelligence capabilities and analysts that we would miss the concept that telling friendly Afghans that we're going to leave them to their own devices against their enemy when they are ill-prepared to defend themselves would force them to consider joining the other side for their own survival and that these "blue on green" attacks are possibly, even probably, a way for them to prove their changed loyalty as they switch to the side they have perceived to "win"? Have we failed, after a decade of war, to understand the culture of a people who are just trying to survive from day to day?
3. What is our desired end state in and for Afghanistan? What is the US Government's? The US military's? The US people's? Were we ever clear on this?
4. What will happen to our veterans and families - those who fought this war with no tangible or definitive end state? Why are we continuing to generate more of us and how/what are the government's plans to down-size the military responsibly so that we don't continue to overload the already inefficient and inadequate processes, facilities, institutions and organizations that are attempting to deal with our issues?
This time, when we deploy - I will go because my friends are going, because my sister is going, and because I've been ordered to. I will try in earnest to not lose hope that in some way, I can help make a positive impact and that by risking my life and my friends and family risking theirs, we will contribute to some amount of progress for humanity. I will try, with everything I am, to find reason, justification and conviction that my service, and possibly sacrificing my life, is for the good of our country and the Afghan people... but right now, in this moment and for the first time since I took the Oath in 2003, I am unclear as to whether or not I can deploy to Afghanistan for any other reasons than I have been ordered to and my friends/family are going.
"I, (NAME), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God"
I have not waivered in my conviction and dedication to supporting and defending "the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic..." I will obey the orders to which I am and have committed but I no longer understand why we're doing what we're doing.
Maybe, in the coming weeks and months, I'll find answers...
I deployed in 2006 and learned a lot. Despite the disappointments and the seemingly overwhelming onslaught of dream crushing events, I found flowers growing in mine fields - literally and figuratively. There, amidst the fear, oppression, death and decades of destruction that have been the daily reality the women and children of Afghanistan, I still found reason to hope.
Today, over eight years after my initial enlistment, I am finally facing the reality that I have become... disenchanted?
As I consider what it means to deploy to Afghanistan again, I'm wrought with frustration, guilt and a lack of clarity of purpose. When I consider what we're doing and how we're going about achieving this new and unclear end-state, I arrive at countless questions.
In 2009, when I testified on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about my experiences in Afghanistan, I had many answers... answers that I'd known previously but had only been given the opportunity to Monday morning quarterback. Answers that I'd given no voice to because I felt inadequate due to lack of age and ignorant by lack of formal education, even. Surely, the people who were making the decisions to send us off to war were far more informed than I... Of course they knew and had studied the history of Afghanistan, our history with Afghanistan, and the culture of the people of Afghanistan. Most certainly, there was no way they'd learn anything new from this humble and lowly Staff Sergeant...
But my observations of all that's transpired in the wake of my previous deployment and of what's occurring in 2012 in Afghanistan have led me to believe that we either do not know what we're doing, do not care, or can do nothing to change it. Our only options then and now are to stay in Afghanistan and continue in the hopes that eventually we'll reach a turning point or to leave - immediately.
Projecting a draw down was, in this humble servant's opinion, the most dangerous and costly (of American and Afghan lives) decision that our leaders have made. Whether it was made to appease those opposed to the war on the left side of the aisle or for some other reason, it was the wrong decision.
I watched from my seat in the MSNBC studio, as the President spoke from the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY, about the troop surge into Afghanistan. I felt, at once, that we and the Afghan people would finally know hope for the future of their country. And in the same speech, my heart sank as I heard him state that we'd be looking at a pull out of troops by 2014. I knew then and I'm ever more convinced that making a public statement about the draw down of troops in Afghanistan was the point at which we started to "lose" the "war" against the Taliban. I hoped and even argued that this was a statement made for political survivability reasons. I believed President Obama when he said that we'd evaluate the situation in 2014... the media took this statement in a different context - that we'd pull out by 2014.
As Brian Williams appeared on my camera, I hoped he would ask me what I felt about the troop surge, or perhaps that he'd ask for my opinion about the best way ahead for the US in Afghanistan. Instead, he asked me what I thought the troops in Afghanistan were thinking about the President's speech. I couldn't speak for anyone else and certainly not for my brothers and sisters who were down range and missing the holidays with their families. I half halfheartedly replied something along those lines.
I don't presume to know everything, be a highly educated person or any kind of expert on our policies and positions in Afghanistan. When I say that I "know," I am pulling from personal experiences, my instincts and what I've learned about human nature.
With that said, I studied Pashto and the culture of Afghanistan for 10 months prior to my 11-month deployment there in 2006 and when I returned from my tour, I spent my several idle hours at my defense contracting job reading cable upon cable, report after report and hundreds of analytical papers both for and not for public consumption. Following that job, I moved on to work as an analyst with a focus on countering the Improvised Explosive Device threats in Afghanistan. After that, I worked on the team charged with standing up, implementing and facilitating the largest counter-IED contract in the US Army (for which our team was recognized internationally by our employer, the 3rd largest defense contractor in the world).
Having been blown up by a car packed with explosives, I found this work (at least for a while) to be personally important. It was a way for me to continue the fight from home, supporting our troops from afar and dedicating myself to the fight, even if I was unable to be active directly. And many times, I have attempted to deploy back to Afghanistan, with each of those opportunities having fallen through. I have said many times, "Afghanistan gets in your blood."
During all of those jobs, I became almost fatally aware of my own issues with post-traumatic stress. I hit "rock bottom" and discovered a new passion (some would say it was an obsession but I would say it was an addiction) for veterans' advocacy. It was and has been a very personal war, waged by me and many others returning home, each in our own ways. As I move ever so fully into my purpose and get closer to realizing my dream of helping my fellow veterans as they return from war and transition out of military service, I am becoming ever more painfully aware that I am becoming less a Soldier and more and more an advocate. I am unclear how to reconcile this as this is new territory for me. I am proud of my service. I love my country. I am ever-more patriotic... if that's even possible. But I cannot reconcile in my mind - the why. If we are pulling out of Afghanistan, what and why are we still there today? Why wait? What are we waiting for? How many more Americans and NATO troops will die while we attempt to stick to our timeline for withdrawal?
New Zealand is pulling out its troops. Do they know something, are admitting something, we're not?
I know that my questions will go unanswered. It's not for the Soldier to ask why... it is for us to follow orders. But as a Citizen, I will ask my questions...
1. Why are we continuing to deploy American Soldiers and Marines to a war to support an unstable and yet-unprepared military in which we have already proclaimed that we will abandon them on a timeline? In the US Army, we have a common saying - "Train to standard, not to time." This means, we set a standard - an achievable and measurable goal and we train to that standard whether it takes us the allotted/estimated time or not. If we finish early, we go home. If we go beyond our time limit, we stay later.
2. Why hasn't anyone publicly projected that "Insider Threats" would become more prevalent and worked to mitigate that risk in a more strategic application/way that would ensure little to no loss of American lives? Is it plausible that with all of our intelligence capabilities and analysts that we would miss the concept that telling friendly Afghans that we're going to leave them to their own devices against their enemy when they are ill-prepared to defend themselves would force them to consider joining the other side for their own survival and that these "blue on green" attacks are possibly, even probably, a way for them to prove their changed loyalty as they switch to the side they have perceived to "win"? Have we failed, after a decade of war, to understand the culture of a people who are just trying to survive from day to day?
3. What is our desired end state in and for Afghanistan? What is the US Government's? The US military's? The US people's? Were we ever clear on this?
4. What will happen to our veterans and families - those who fought this war with no tangible or definitive end state? Why are we continuing to generate more of us and how/what are the government's plans to down-size the military responsibly so that we don't continue to overload the already inefficient and inadequate processes, facilities, institutions and organizations that are attempting to deal with our issues?
This time, when we deploy - I will go because my friends are going, because my sister is going, and because I've been ordered to. I will try in earnest to not lose hope that in some way, I can help make a positive impact and that by risking my life and my friends and family risking theirs, we will contribute to some amount of progress for humanity. I will try, with everything I am, to find reason, justification and conviction that my service, and possibly sacrificing my life, is for the good of our country and the Afghan people... but right now, in this moment and for the first time since I took the Oath in 2003, I am unclear as to whether or not I can deploy to Afghanistan for any other reasons than I have been ordered to and my friends/family are going.
"I, (NAME), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God"
I have not waivered in my conviction and dedication to supporting and defending "the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic..." I will obey the orders to which I am and have committed but I no longer understand why we're doing what we're doing.
Maybe, in the coming weeks and months, I'll find answers...
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Obviously...
The title of the last post was meant to grab attention...
I don't actually think the Navy sucks. :)
Just thought I'd clarify that for anyone who might have missed that.
It did create enough of a stir on my FB page to get a few more donations but I promise... I will save all further smack talk of the Navy for Army/Navy game day!
ONE OF THESE YEARS, we WILL beat the Navy!
I don't actually think the Navy sucks. :)
Just thought I'd clarify that for anyone who might have missed that.
It did create enough of a stir on my FB page to get a few more donations but I promise... I will save all further smack talk of the Navy for Army/Navy game day!
ONE OF THESE YEARS, we WILL beat the Navy!
Friday, July 6, 2012
HEY NAVY, YOU SUCK!
I'm pretty sure y'all have *never* won THIS game.
A mission near and dear to my heart... and not just because I get to join forces with my fellow Army peeps and enjoy some inter-service rivalries but also because it's for a great cause!
Ever wonder where your money goes when you donate it to large non-profit organizations that claim to support the troops? Well, so do I... and I run a non profit that supports veterans!
Here's one project that I know does something that makes an instant impact - it gives wounded service members a voice-controlled/adaptive laptop computer and other technology that helps support them as they heal and recover from wounds and severe injuries...
No, your money doesn't go to advertising. Nor does it go to more fundraising efforts, free beer, or bullshit job fairs that promote corporations and leave everyone but the veterans feeling warm and fuzzy about all the "great things they do for vets." This is a grass roots effort (and always has been) among bloggers and internet networks - something we pride ourselves in being a part of even if we can only donate a small amount of money or write a few posts.
Forgive me for my insistence but please, do consider donating even just $1 to this cause. That's not even the cost of ONE BEER. If you can't, I completely understand - but could you spare a few moments to read about the project and pass it along?
It would mean so very much to me... and I promise, it's not JUST about the bragging rights... no, really. I'm serious...
GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!
The
experience of Major Chuck Ziegenfuss (pictured), a partner in the
project who suffered serious hand wounds while serving in Iraq, led to
the creation of this program that has used voice-controlled laptops to
the support recovery and reintegration of thousands of wounded troops
since 2005.
"At that time I had no use of either hand. I know how humbling it is, how humiliating it feels. And I know how much better I felt, how amazingly more functional I felt, after Soldiers' Angels provided me with a laptop and a loyal reader provided me with the software. I can't wait to do the same, to give that feeling to another soldier at Walter Reed." - Captain Chuck Ziegenfuss
HOW YOU CAN HELP!
This is our chance to give back to our wounded warriors - give them something that will help them heal and connect with family, friends, and their comrades back in the combat zones.
You can help by donating and spreading the word about Valour-IT and Soldiers' Angels.
So I'll end this by saying thank you to all of you (small spheres of influence) who have helped these amazing American men and women. If you can't pick up a rifle, then please help our warriors.
Thank you!
A mission near and dear to my heart... and not just because I get to join forces with my fellow Army peeps and enjoy some inter-service rivalries but also because it's for a great cause!
Ever wonder where your money goes when you donate it to large non-profit organizations that claim to support the troops? Well, so do I... and I run a non profit that supports veterans!
Here's one project that I know does something that makes an instant impact - it gives wounded service members a voice-controlled/adaptive laptop computer and other technology that helps support them as they heal and recover from wounds and severe injuries...
No, your money doesn't go to advertising. Nor does it go to more fundraising efforts, free beer, or bullshit job fairs that promote corporations and leave everyone but the veterans feeling warm and fuzzy about all the "great things they do for vets." This is a grass roots effort (and always has been) among bloggers and internet networks - something we pride ourselves in being a part of even if we can only donate a small amount of money or write a few posts.
Forgive me for my insistence but please, do consider donating even just $1 to this cause. That's not even the cost of ONE BEER. If you can't, I completely understand - but could you spare a few moments to read about the project and pass it along?
It would mean so very much to me... and I promise, it's not JUST about the bragging rights... no, really. I'm serious...
GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!
WHAT IS PROJECT VALOUR-IT?
Project Valour-IT, in memory of SFC William V. Ziegenfuss, helps provide voice-controlled/adaptive laptop computers and other technology to support Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand wounds and other severe injuries. Technology supplied includes:
Project Valour-IT, in memory of SFC William V. Ziegenfuss, helps provide voice-controlled/adaptive laptop computers and other technology to support Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand wounds and other severe injuries. Technology supplied includes:
- Voice-controlled Laptops - Operated by speaking into a microphone or using other adaptive technologies, they allow the wounded to maintain connections with the rest of the world during recovery.
- Wii Video Game Systems - Whole-body game systems increase motivation and speed recovery when used under the guidance of physical therapists in therapy sessions (donated only to medical facilities).
- Personal GPS - Handheld GPS devices build self-confidence and independence by compensating for short-term memory loss and organizational challenges related to severe TBI and severe PTSD.
The
experience of Major Chuck Ziegenfuss (pictured), a partner in the
project who suffered serious hand wounds while serving in Iraq, led to
the creation of this program that has used voice-controlled laptops to
the support recovery and reintegration of thousands of wounded troops
since 2005."At that time I had no use of either hand. I know how humbling it is, how humiliating it feels. And I know how much better I felt, how amazingly more functional I felt, after Soldiers' Angels provided me with a laptop and a loyal reader provided me with the software. I can't wait to do the same, to give that feeling to another soldier at Walter Reed." - Captain Chuck Ziegenfuss
HOW YOU CAN HELP!
This is our chance to give back to our wounded warriors - give them something that will help them heal and connect with family, friends, and their comrades back in the combat zones.
You can help by donating and spreading the word about Valour-IT and Soldiers' Angels.
So I'll end this by saying thank you to all of you (small spheres of influence) who have helped these amazing American men and women. If you can't pick up a rifle, then please help our warriors.
Thank you!
| Click to donate! Soldiers' Angels - VALOUR IT |
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Into the Fire
It's difficult to know what to write about... because everything is
changing so quickly. It's like trying to describe the scenery in a fast
moving river from a point on the water - by the time I can find the
right words and the time to articulate what I observe, I'm already
further along the river...
And there's so much going on right now that I've scarcely realized the passage of time. It's already into the latter half of the year 2012! How peculiar time is.
At this time next year, I'll be deployed. There's a great deal of speculation about when/if it will happen, as I've lost count of the number of times I've been alerted in the past. In some ways, I'm ready to test what I've come to understand about myself against what I'm likely to confront there. People think that war is the hardest part of deployment but as I've said before, the most difficult parts of it all are the personalities you interact with and most of all, who you confront within yourself... or who you don't.
We, I believe, become so good at compartmentalizing our emotions in order to charlie mike (continue mission), thinking that we'll deal with them (emotions) later. Of course, we end up finding no "appropriate" time or place to do so because we busy ourselves with ever present work. That feverish pace sustains us until it just simply doesn't anymore or until we come home and there isn't that much work to be done.
But I needn't get into all of that - it's becoming all too common of a tale.
I've resigned myself to the fact that even a change in political climate is not going to impact pre-scheduled events. I'm okay with that. What wears on me is all of the uncertainty - either send me, or don't. Stop f'n with me. As I near my mid-30's and consider such selfish things as a stable relationship and perhaps, dare I say - a family, I know that if anything were to happen, it cannot happen for a few more years at the earliest.
Disclosing these thoughts is quite personal but I think it underscores some of the different considerations that women must make at certain points in their military careers. I've a number of people attempt to placate me as they mistake my thoughtfulness as longing or whining, but all biological-clock-ticking aside, I envy my brothers the fact that they have at least a decade more to go before needing to consider such things.
There is no question about my commitment to the oath I took when I reenlisted. Timed well, or not, I will go. I have complete faith -knowing that I don't understand the reasons for everything that transpires, but that everything is unfolding as it should. That, along with change, is a constant.
And what an amazing time, these transformational moments in life!
I wouldn't trade the military family I've come to know and love, even if our paths only crossed for a moment. And I wouldn't give back what I've come to know about myself over these last several years but it would be a lie to say that I'm not afraid, especially knowing what I know now, of walking into the fire again. Worse yet, knowing what I know now, I'm not looking forward to leading others into the fire because I know what they're likely to confront and their families, to endure...
And there's so much going on right now that I've scarcely realized the passage of time. It's already into the latter half of the year 2012! How peculiar time is.
At this time next year, I'll be deployed. There's a great deal of speculation about when/if it will happen, as I've lost count of the number of times I've been alerted in the past. In some ways, I'm ready to test what I've come to understand about myself against what I'm likely to confront there. People think that war is the hardest part of deployment but as I've said before, the most difficult parts of it all are the personalities you interact with and most of all, who you confront within yourself... or who you don't.
We, I believe, become so good at compartmentalizing our emotions in order to charlie mike (continue mission), thinking that we'll deal with them (emotions) later. Of course, we end up finding no "appropriate" time or place to do so because we busy ourselves with ever present work. That feverish pace sustains us until it just simply doesn't anymore or until we come home and there isn't that much work to be done.
But I needn't get into all of that - it's becoming all too common of a tale.
I've resigned myself to the fact that even a change in political climate is not going to impact pre-scheduled events. I'm okay with that. What wears on me is all of the uncertainty - either send me, or don't. Stop f'n with me. As I near my mid-30's and consider such selfish things as a stable relationship and perhaps, dare I say - a family, I know that if anything were to happen, it cannot happen for a few more years at the earliest.
Disclosing these thoughts is quite personal but I think it underscores some of the different considerations that women must make at certain points in their military careers. I've a number of people attempt to placate me as they mistake my thoughtfulness as longing or whining, but all biological-clock-ticking aside, I envy my brothers the fact that they have at least a decade more to go before needing to consider such things.
There is no question about my commitment to the oath I took when I reenlisted. Timed well, or not, I will go. I have complete faith -knowing that I don't understand the reasons for everything that transpires, but that everything is unfolding as it should. That, along with change, is a constant.
And what an amazing time, these transformational moments in life!
I wouldn't trade the military family I've come to know and love, even if our paths only crossed for a moment. And I wouldn't give back what I've come to know about myself over these last several years but it would be a lie to say that I'm not afraid, especially knowing what I know now, of walking into the fire again. Worse yet, knowing what I know now, I'm not looking forward to leading others into the fire because I know what they're likely to confront and their families, to endure...
Saturday, June 2, 2012
"The families of combat veterans, and sometimes even their therapists, demand in frustration, "Why can't you put it behind you? Why can't you just forget?" Odysseus' vow, I won't forget a thing," is the vow of a combat soldier to his dead comrades to keep faith with them, to keep their memory alive. Bewildered families, hurt and feeling cheated by the amount of energy their veterans pour into dead comrades, apparently do not realize that to forget the dead dishonors the living veteran. In asking the veteran to forget, the family asks him to dishonor himself."
Friday, June 1, 2012
Light in a Box
My Dearest Friend,
It came to me today. It took a while but I finally got it. VERY FREAKIN' FUNNY. Hilarious, in fact... (Note: Sarcasm)
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. am I supposed to do with light in a freakin' box? I am not you. I am not worthy nor am I ready.
So not at all funny.
I'm still mad at you even though I know I should be thanking you for your gift... I'm just not there yet.
I'm sorry that I missed Memorial Day but you know not a day goes by that I don't think of you...
But if I could give the world to bring you back. It still needs you.
RIP.
It came to me today. It took a while but I finally got it. VERY FREAKIN' FUNNY. Hilarious, in fact... (Note: Sarcasm)
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. am I supposed to do with light in a freakin' box? I am not you. I am not worthy nor am I ready.
So not at all funny.
I'm still mad at you even though I know I should be thanking you for your gift... I'm just not there yet.
I'm sorry that I missed Memorial Day but you know not a day goes by that I don't think of you...
But if I could give the world to bring you back. It still needs you.
RIP.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Ithaca & The Odyssey
I'm trying to start a new routine/habit of taking a few moments in every
morning for myself and no one else. I've cleared a sacred space in my
favorite place, the patio, and I drink a steaming cup of PG Tips (w/
cream & sugar, please) and search for the day's inspiration. This
AM, I found it in my new O Magazine and from none other than Martha Beck
and I had to share;
"Of course, even after Odysseus's homecoming, he had to keep adventuring, to manage a kingdom filled with pretenders and thieves. But his journey had made him comfortable with uncertainty and improvisation. He mapped out yet another plan, routed his competitors, reclaimed his position, and rejoined his beloved wife. Then he ruled wisely and well, not in spite of his troublesome journey but because of it. Odysseus's destination was Ithaca, but his destiny was The Odyssey."
"You, too, were born to become yourself by creating the experiences you live. Generations from now, your descendants will unroll the tattered map of your life, partly to celebrate your legendary homecoming, but mostly to remember the odyssey that was your real purpose all along."
Sometimes, I feel like she's channeling, that Martha woman. But more than anything, I feel like she 'gets' us.
To all my veterans - read those words again and dwell for a moment in the thoughts they bring forth. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST or the things that happen(ed) to you BUT WE ARE stronger for what we've witnessed and experienced.
And through those experiences, we've all been given the tools to achieve great measures of success, however our souls define it, should we choose to do so. I don't just believe that - I KNOW it.
Originally published on May 22 @ FB.
"Of course, even after Odysseus's homecoming, he had to keep adventuring, to manage a kingdom filled with pretenders and thieves. But his journey had made him comfortable with uncertainty and improvisation. He mapped out yet another plan, routed his competitors, reclaimed his position, and rejoined his beloved wife. Then he ruled wisely and well, not in spite of his troublesome journey but because of it. Odysseus's destination was Ithaca, but his destiny was The Odyssey."
"You, too, were born to become yourself by creating the experiences you live. Generations from now, your descendants will unroll the tattered map of your life, partly to celebrate your legendary homecoming, but mostly to remember the odyssey that was your real purpose all along."
Sometimes, I feel like she's channeling, that Martha woman. But more than anything, I feel like she 'gets' us.
To all my veterans - read those words again and dwell for a moment in the thoughts they bring forth. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST or the things that happen(ed) to you BUT WE ARE stronger for what we've witnessed and experienced.
And through those experiences, we've all been given the tools to achieve great measures of success, however our souls define it, should we choose to do so. I don't just believe that - I KNOW it.
Originally published on May 22 @ FB.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Mental Dragons - To be continued...
When people ask me about my deployment experience, I tell them that I
learned a lot. The hardest part of my deployment was the forced
relationships and coexistence with people who were once complete
strangers -- people that I might not otherwise have ever associated
with. Rolling outside the wire wasn't hard, it was an adrenaline rush;
the interpersonal dynamics and working relationships were what nearly
undid me.
War, and all of its experiential offerings, made me more of who I am. It forced me to go within and find the strongest and most real parts of myself and pull those to the surface of my being, beyond the lies and programming that I had believed about who I was. In some cases, it answered some mysteries. Could I hold my own? Would I remember what to do if the shit ever hit the fan? If faced with direct contact, would I freeze? run? or fight? Would I be able to bring all of my battle buddies back? Those were the questions I tortured myself with then.
In essence, I confronted some of my personal mental dragons. It's hard to articulate beyond that, but I suspect that many of you get it. I just felt like sharing.
Posted on May 8 on FB, Doonesbury's The Sandbox
War, and all of its experiential offerings, made me more of who I am. It forced me to go within and find the strongest and most real parts of myself and pull those to the surface of my being, beyond the lies and programming that I had believed about who I was. In some cases, it answered some mysteries. Could I hold my own? Would I remember what to do if the shit ever hit the fan? If faced with direct contact, would I freeze? run? or fight? Would I be able to bring all of my battle buddies back? Those were the questions I tortured myself with then.
In essence, I confronted some of my personal mental dragons. It's hard to articulate beyond that, but I suspect that many of you get it. I just felt like sharing.
Posted on May 8 on FB, Doonesbury's The Sandbox
Friday, April 20, 2012
Running in Place
My apologies for not posting. I've been in my personal Never Never Land and was visiting my own Peter Pan.
This last week is mine - unplanned, unpretentious, unpredictable and back to eating what I kill... more my style and I mean that in the most gracious and appreciative way.
The first couple of weeks were incredible and there isn't enough money in the world that could have bought that kind of trip, complete with my own personal security detail, teacher, chaperon, chauffeur, chef, tour guide, equipment provider, laborer, entertainer, companion, dear friend and partner in crime.
My Peter Pan is the stuff of every young woman's dreams... as long as she doesn't fall in love with him. He's intelligent, gorgeous, has eyes the color of cloudless New Zealand skies with an occasional twinkle of mischief, and an amazing body that you can't help but watch. He's a man's man - an athlete, a good friend, loves animals and kids (but doesn't want his own.) He plans, executes, cooks, cleans, carries heavy bags, is efficient, rescues spiders from inside tents, AND he's got a sexy (not snobby) British accent. There's an allure... Where you want to be rescued by him and save/change him all at the same time.
Yes. You know the type. He's a woman's dream, her mother's nightmare and he should absolutely come with a warning label. I say this as someone who has known many men like him and have myself fallen and been burned by the sort - and can now spot those dangerous combinations. To be fair, I say all of this because it's easier to describe the reflection in the mirror than it is to expose myself. I know that in some ways, and not the flattering ones, we're very similar. We're both on our own endurance runs. He's picked up and moved to Never Never New ZeaLand and I long - no - ache to move here, all the while knowing that my purpose has me tied to somewhere else.
Anyway, I've many stories to share and just as many I'll keep close-hold but oh, the books I could write!
Those memories aren't the only things I've created/discovered here... but first, I must rest up for my solo trek tomorrow. I'm very much looking forward to spending some time on my own to clear my head and heart. I think it's a good idea that I get my bearings before heading back to the real world.
My coach, Derek, gave me an amazing quote in his email today and I wanted to share it because I suspect I'm not the only one who could use this...
And then a few moments later, I received this gem in my inbox from Martha Beck:
Both messages were so perfectly timed. Add to this the crazy synchronicity of having been asked by several (4) different people recently if I'm tired of running. The first time I heard it, I thought, "Huh." The second time, "What a coincidence. I just heard that yesterday..." After the third person mentioned it in almost as many days, I grudgingly admitted to myself, "Well, okay so maybe I need to look at this." Grr. When the fourth person brought it up, I wanted to punch him but instead said, "I've been hearing that a lot lately and I will *seriously* consider it, just as soon as I get back from..."
That was before running to NNnzL and spending time with another pro-runner. Life's adventures and wonders never cease to amaze me! JUST when I thought I was going to be able to out run dealing with my running problem a little bit longer... I run right into the heart of it. WHAM!
What I want to know is if I stop emotionally and psychologically running, will I actually start to enjoy physically running because if so, that'd be great and I'd happily make the trade off. ; )~ I mean, after all, the latter has some better benefits... like, you know, good health and fitness... a lighter frame... flatter tummy... less stress and unhappiness...
So tomorrow while trekking or tramping or hiking in arguably the most beautiful place in the world, in my solitude, awe, and wonder, I will take some time to think about these things. Does and CAN Wendy truly leave NNnzL behind?
I thought I knew my purpose but now I know that I've just been dancing (thought maybe I'd not use "running" again) around it. I was close enough to feel it and to be so incredulous and captivated by its mission that I just stopped because I thought I was there. My unhappiness over the last year or so has made me realize that, in fact, I am not quite there. I'm closer than I have ever been... but I'm not *just there* yet.
So, off I go to find/discover my purpose and that which scares me the most... and to confront/meet it head on - as is the only way this girl knows how.
And I'm going to do this all while NOT trying to find answers. :) Essentially, I'm going out to explore and discover with no purpose other than to just be.
Wish me luck. And I, wish you the same with your adventures... till next time!
This last week is mine - unplanned, unpretentious, unpredictable and back to eating what I kill... more my style and I mean that in the most gracious and appreciative way.
The first couple of weeks were incredible and there isn't enough money in the world that could have bought that kind of trip, complete with my own personal security detail, teacher, chaperon, chauffeur, chef, tour guide, equipment provider, laborer, entertainer, companion, dear friend and partner in crime.
My Peter Pan is the stuff of every young woman's dreams... as long as she doesn't fall in love with him. He's intelligent, gorgeous, has eyes the color of cloudless New Zealand skies with an occasional twinkle of mischief, and an amazing body that you can't help but watch. He's a man's man - an athlete, a good friend, loves animals and kids (but doesn't want his own.) He plans, executes, cooks, cleans, carries heavy bags, is efficient, rescues spiders from inside tents, AND he's got a sexy (not snobby) British accent. There's an allure... Where you want to be rescued by him and save/change him all at the same time.
Yes. You know the type. He's a woman's dream, her mother's nightmare and he should absolutely come with a warning label. I say this as someone who has known many men like him and have myself fallen and been burned by the sort - and can now spot those dangerous combinations. To be fair, I say all of this because it's easier to describe the reflection in the mirror than it is to expose myself. I know that in some ways, and not the flattering ones, we're very similar. We're both on our own endurance runs. He's picked up and moved to Never Never New ZeaLand and I long - no - ache to move here, all the while knowing that my purpose has me tied to somewhere else.
Anyway, I've many stories to share and just as many I'll keep close-hold but oh, the books I could write!
Those memories aren't the only things I've created/discovered here... but first, I must rest up for my solo trek tomorrow. I'm very much looking forward to spending some time on my own to clear my head and heart. I think it's a good idea that I get my bearings before heading back to the real world.
My coach, Derek, gave me an amazing quote in his email today and I wanted to share it because I suspect I'm not the only one who could use this...
"Part of being where you want to be is dropping the story that you're not where you want to be.
We all start this journey as seekers - at some point we have to declare ourselves as finders or we'll just stay seekers forever. We've found the answer when we realize there is no answer." ~ Derek Hansen
And then a few moments later, I received this gem in my inbox from Martha Beck:
"If you want to find your passion, know your life's purpose, meet your soul mate, or feel intensely alive, don't look toward the fun things that fit logically into the flow of an easy life. Ask yourself, "What am I running away from?"
Whatever that thing is, turn around. Walk toward it. Face it and conquer it or die trying." ~ Martha Beck
Both messages were so perfectly timed. Add to this the crazy synchronicity of having been asked by several (4) different people recently if I'm tired of running. The first time I heard it, I thought, "Huh." The second time, "What a coincidence. I just heard that yesterday..." After the third person mentioned it in almost as many days, I grudgingly admitted to myself, "Well, okay so maybe I need to look at this." Grr. When the fourth person brought it up, I wanted to punch him but instead said, "I've been hearing that a lot lately and I will *seriously* consider it, just as soon as I get back from..."
That was before running to NNnzL and spending time with another pro-runner. Life's adventures and wonders never cease to amaze me! JUST when I thought I was going to be able to out run dealing with my running problem a little bit longer... I run right into the heart of it. WHAM!
What I want to know is if I stop emotionally and psychologically running, will I actually start to enjoy physically running because if so, that'd be great and I'd happily make the trade off. ; )~ I mean, after all, the latter has some better benefits... like, you know, good health and fitness... a lighter frame... flatter tummy... less stress and unhappiness...
So tomorrow while trekking or tramping or hiking in arguably the most beautiful place in the world, in my solitude, awe, and wonder, I will take some time to think about these things. Does and CAN Wendy truly leave NNnzL behind?
I thought I knew my purpose but now I know that I've just been dancing (thought maybe I'd not use "running" again) around it. I was close enough to feel it and to be so incredulous and captivated by its mission that I just stopped because I thought I was there. My unhappiness over the last year or so has made me realize that, in fact, I am not quite there. I'm closer than I have ever been... but I'm not *just there* yet.
So, off I go to find/discover my purpose and that which scares me the most... and to confront/meet it head on - as is the only way this girl knows how.
And I'm going to do this all while NOT trying to find answers. :) Essentially, I'm going out to explore and discover with no purpose other than to just be.
Wish me luck. And I, wish you the same with your adventures... till next time!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
"Just Keep Swimming"
It's been a while since I've posted... mostly because I've been crazy busy but also because I've not had the energy to blog.
There's been much too write about and unfortunately, it's all piled up. Since the last post, my mobilization dates were pushed back to later in the year, I've traveled out of town on multiple occasions and I'm currently prepping for a long awaited vacation that I was going to cancel but was strongly encouraged to go on by people I might otherwise drag with me into the abyss of insanity (caused by working too much, I'm told.) ALL of these incidents and more - I have much to blog about.
Thank goddess I paid for the airline ticket months ago and made arrangements with a friend when I actually had an income. The uncertainty of deployment and the resulting employment situation has completely wreaked havoc on my financial situation.
Yes, the Army Reserve, Congress and many other supporting programs are very accommodating when it comes to protecting your position or job when you're employed full time but there's little to be done for business owners, entrepreneurs and independent contractors.
With the idea that I would be gone most of this year, I cancelled my contracts, didn't re-enroll in school this semester (no GI Bill) and well, AWV has never paid me a salary so there's nothing new there...
This is beginning to sound like whining so I will stop there. I'm by no means, unaware of my choices. I wake up every morning with purpose and direction. I do what I love and although things are a bit hectic and uncertain just now, I know that it will all work out. An observant reader might also notice the ads as well as the new "Harley Fund" donation link in the upper right. I'm a ways away from being able to buy a Harley but it reads a lot better than "Starving & Near Homeless Veteran Non Profit Founder Fund." :)
It's amazing, even to me, that I can have such faith still. I won't lie and say that I don't vacillate between thinking I'm an absolute idiot and should go back to my full-time job and the other option of cashing out what's left of my savings to stick it out and stay the course. What are NOT options; 1) Letting the cause go, 2) Giving in to less than altruistic funders/donors who are more interested in making themselves/their companies look good than they are in actual substantive and impact-ful change, 3) Entertaining anymore assholes pretending to be interested in the cause when in fact they just want to dangle... carrots in the hopes that I'll actually fall for meeting them at their hotel in the middle of the night to "pick up a check." (Oooh, the stories I may share one day...)
As a veteran, I've grown ever weary and leery of the tens of thousands of non-profit organizations that are "serving veterans." As a non-profit founder, I'm equally tired of the entities with their personal agendas who make money off of the cause. As a woman, it's all I can do to maintain my professionalism. Staying the course is not my biggest fear or concern - ensuring that I don't become bitter has been more of a challenge than I would have ever thought.
"What keeps you going like this?" an old friend asked me the other day.
"The women veterans I get an opportunity to meet through my speaking engagements..." I replied.
Every single event I do, there are a few veterans that I get the honor to interact with directly. They are my soul's sustenance. They're the reason I can live without knowing where next month's rent is going to come from. They are the reason I can't go back to any full time work that would keep me from meeting and helping others just like them... and yes, just like me. We are why I will not quit, give up or sell out.
And of course... I's gots plans. BIG plans. I just need to bring some stability to my personal life so that I can get on with the business of growing AWV responsibly and sustainably...
It's late. That's it for now... just a quick, unedited note. I'll most likely be offline for a while longer but I look forward to sharing some amazing stories and photos in the weeks ahead.
AG
There's been much too write about and unfortunately, it's all piled up. Since the last post, my mobilization dates were pushed back to later in the year, I've traveled out of town on multiple occasions and I'm currently prepping for a long awaited vacation that I was going to cancel but was strongly encouraged to go on by people I might otherwise drag with me into the abyss of insanity (caused by working too much, I'm told.) ALL of these incidents and more - I have much to blog about.
Thank goddess I paid for the airline ticket months ago and made arrangements with a friend when I actually had an income. The uncertainty of deployment and the resulting employment situation has completely wreaked havoc on my financial situation.
Yes, the Army Reserve, Congress and many other supporting programs are very accommodating when it comes to protecting your position or job when you're employed full time but there's little to be done for business owners, entrepreneurs and independent contractors.
With the idea that I would be gone most of this year, I cancelled my contracts, didn't re-enroll in school this semester (no GI Bill) and well, AWV has never paid me a salary so there's nothing new there...
This is beginning to sound like whining so I will stop there. I'm by no means, unaware of my choices. I wake up every morning with purpose and direction. I do what I love and although things are a bit hectic and uncertain just now, I know that it will all work out. An observant reader might also notice the ads as well as the new "Harley Fund" donation link in the upper right. I'm a ways away from being able to buy a Harley but it reads a lot better than "Starving & Near Homeless Veteran Non Profit Founder Fund." :)
It's amazing, even to me, that I can have such faith still. I won't lie and say that I don't vacillate between thinking I'm an absolute idiot and should go back to my full-time job and the other option of cashing out what's left of my savings to stick it out and stay the course. What are NOT options; 1) Letting the cause go, 2) Giving in to less than altruistic funders/donors who are more interested in making themselves/their companies look good than they are in actual substantive and impact-ful change, 3) Entertaining anymore assholes pretending to be interested in the cause when in fact they just want to dangle... carrots in the hopes that I'll actually fall for meeting them at their hotel in the middle of the night to "pick up a check." (Oooh, the stories I may share one day...)
As a veteran, I've grown ever weary and leery of the tens of thousands of non-profit organizations that are "serving veterans." As a non-profit founder, I'm equally tired of the entities with their personal agendas who make money off of the cause. As a woman, it's all I can do to maintain my professionalism. Staying the course is not my biggest fear or concern - ensuring that I don't become bitter has been more of a challenge than I would have ever thought.
"What keeps you going like this?" an old friend asked me the other day.
"The women veterans I get an opportunity to meet through my speaking engagements..." I replied.
Every single event I do, there are a few veterans that I get the honor to interact with directly. They are my soul's sustenance. They're the reason I can live without knowing where next month's rent is going to come from. They are the reason I can't go back to any full time work that would keep me from meeting and helping others just like them... and yes, just like me. We are why I will not quit, give up or sell out.
And of course... I's gots plans. BIG plans. I just need to bring some stability to my personal life so that I can get on with the business of growing AWV responsibly and sustainably...
It's late. That's it for now... just a quick, unedited note. I'll most likely be offline for a while longer but I look forward to sharing some amazing stories and photos in the weeks ahead.
AG
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Shall he?
"Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. It is not important that he should mature as soon as an apple tree or an oak. Shall he turn his spring into summer?"
Henry David Thoreau
from Walden
Friday, March 16, 2012
Life Lessons as We Go
A few things I've learned over the last few days...
In solid determination to ensure that something 'positive' (if that's possible) comes out of my mentor's unexpected death and also due in part to my own introspection and focus on self-awareness over the last several months (it's admittedly sometimes a losing battle), I am contemplating a few concepts. In the past I believe I have;
1) Spent far too much time 'networking' and meeting new 'friends' and I want to focus more on maintaining, cultivating and appreciating real and meaningful people/friendships of equal/mutual benefit. Not every encounter is a lasting one but that doesn't mean they aren't full of potential to make lasting and meaningful impact. Sometimes, we just cross paths to pass along messages and carry on with our lives. I expend a great amount of energy reacting to what's in front of me rather than establishing and maintaining my base and letting the world move on around me.
2) Had a tendency to be and also attract commitment-phobes and I would like to refocus my efforts on relationships where it's understood by both parties that we aren't always at our best but it's in those moments, those opportunities, when we can receive AND give the most compassion and forgiveness. All within reason, of course, as I'm not one for dysfunctional/destructive/unhealthy/toxic people or relationships.
3) Spent far too much energy on other people, projects and commitments. This has left me in an interesting predicament. Although I know what my 'purpose' (generally speaking) in this life is, I do not know what I *want* that to manifest for me. I know what I want to do (inspire/lead/empower others to realize their dreams) but I don't know WHO I want to be, WHERE I want to be or WHAT I want to have. I think the first order of business here is to acknowledge that I am not a martyr (nor do I need to be) and that if I'm to lead others to their dreams, then I should first have some of my own. :) Duh. I know.
And this is only scratching the surface of the last 10 days. March 2012 has been an INTENSE month...
In solid determination to ensure that something 'positive' (if that's possible) comes out of my mentor's unexpected death and also due in part to my own introspection and focus on self-awareness over the last several months (it's admittedly sometimes a losing battle), I am contemplating a few concepts. In the past I believe I have;
1) Spent far too much time 'networking' and meeting new 'friends' and I want to focus more on maintaining, cultivating and appreciating real and meaningful people/friendships of equal/mutual benefit. Not every encounter is a lasting one but that doesn't mean they aren't full of potential to make lasting and meaningful impact. Sometimes, we just cross paths to pass along messages and carry on with our lives. I expend a great amount of energy reacting to what's in front of me rather than establishing and maintaining my base and letting the world move on around me.
2) Had a tendency to be and also attract commitment-phobes and I would like to refocus my efforts on relationships where it's understood by both parties that we aren't always at our best but it's in those moments, those opportunities, when we can receive AND give the most compassion and forgiveness. All within reason, of course, as I'm not one for dysfunctional/destructive/unhealthy/toxic people or relationships.
3) Spent far too much energy on other people, projects and commitments. This has left me in an interesting predicament. Although I know what my 'purpose' (generally speaking) in this life is, I do not know what I *want* that to manifest for me. I know what I want to do (inspire/lead/empower others to realize their dreams) but I don't know WHO I want to be, WHERE I want to be or WHAT I want to have. I think the first order of business here is to acknowledge that I am not a martyr (nor do I need to be) and that if I'm to lead others to their dreams, then I should first have some of my own. :) Duh. I know.
And this is only scratching the surface of the last 10 days. March 2012 has been an INTENSE month...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Army Vet Brothers - Nick Palmisciano
Spent the better part of the day on the road to Durham, North Carolina to meet and work with the guys from Ranger Up. As of late, I've not spent too much time hanging out with a group of my male fellow veterans but I needed this. Getting on the road and having some time to catch up on a few personal phone calls, do some thinking and sing a few songs at the top of my lungs (much to Diesel Dog's bemusement/amusement) is what my buddy Scotti refers to as "rubber meets the road" therapy. He told me I needed a road trip months ago.
Although 4.5 hours from DC is probably not going to qualify as a proper 'road trip,' it's managed to achieve what a 15 minute cat-nap would... just enough to reinvigorate me till the next opportunity, I hope.
When I finally got in the AO (area of operations) I rounded the corner and saw the warehouse. With excitement, I walked into the building and felt like a little kid getting to satisfy much of my long-held curiosity on what the RU operation looks like. As someone who claims to own more RU 'chick shirts' than anyone (please feel free to challenge me on this), I found it incredibly cool to see how far Nick and the team have grown the business.
I first met Nick Palmisciano, Tom Amenta and Kelly Crigger back in 2009, I believe, at the Milblog Conference. Matt Burden of Blackfive had mentioned to Nick and me, separately, that we needed to meet. After perusing RU's awesome shirts for military/veterans and reading through some of the blog posts, I came to the immediate conclusion that RU was almost perfect... for guys.
At the pre-Milblog Conference party, I saw a group of guys in MMA-like t-shirts standing in a row across the room. I knew who Nick was in an instant. All I remember is walking straight up to him and saying, "I love Ranger Up but you guys need some bad-ass chick shirts."
I'm not sure what was going through Nick's mind at the time but if I remember correctly, what he said was "You must be Genevieve."
My memory is worse now than it ever was (and it was pretty bad way back when), but all I remember from that weekend was an early panel with TSO from This Ain't Hell (who wrote a very complimentary blog about the first time we met at the Soldiers Angels Gala in 2008), Matt Bernard who blogged anonymously and founded Brinestone, a man we will refer to as "Princeton" and myself in which the latter of the male species made some (not at all vague) disparaging remarks about the business/actions/motivations of another of his ilk, hereafter referred to as "Amherst," who was not present to respond. Low blow, in my book. I wanted desperately to respond but knew that the one general consensus in that room was the festering disaffection for Amherst. In the brief moments where I considered saying nothing, I looked down, read my name tag and realized that I was not Army Girl but was in fact, Nick Palmisciano... "Don't forget," I told everyone, "...If I say anything you don't like, my name is Nick Palmisciano." :)
There followed some warm (heated is such a strong word) debate on this and other topics like the portrayal of veterans to the American public. Princeton, most likely not knowing his audience as I did (or simply not caring), seemed to dig himself neatly into a hole which I'm told he recovered from on one-to-one conversations following the panel, quite the charmer as he is.
Feeling a bit out of my league as, you know, not having an ivy name and it being my first such panel discussion, I was beyond nervous. Bloggers, especially milbloggers, are an extremely opinionated and sometimes unforgiving lot. You really must always be on your toes, as many a reporter or rogue embedded 'journalist' has learned. (Even milbloggers have their inter-family rivalries.) But I had little to worry about because whenever I looked out at the audience, I saw a row of very intimidating former Army Rangers standing at the back of the room. I felt safe up there. After all, no one was going to mess with Nick Palmisciano... even if he was in a skirt.
That was the beginning of what I have often referred to as a sibling-like fondness and affection for Nick and the Ranger Up guys. He's far more well-versed and experienced in business (which I bug him about often but not nearly as much as I'd like) and he shared the same passion for service to country and values of leadership as I did. (Warning: If you can't handle a few f-bombs, skip the link.)
In many ways, I respect and look up to him like the brother I never had and as siblings do, we've had our issues. I will humbly admit here that in the past, not only was I an outright brat on one or a few occasions (to be fair, he was at times more "snips and snails and puppy dog tails"!), but I went through a very loooong "phase" in which I quite often imposed my opinion and unsolicited 'tough love'-type advice. On more occasions than I care to disclose (and with various friends and family members) I was an outright bitch... in the not-so-cool definition of the word.
Recently and especially since the passing over of Lex, this is something that I feel quite guilty about. Never mind the sometimes inevitable drifting apart or kind words left unspoken. I fully believe that little else compares with the guilt maggots that eat at us from the inside, borne from poisonous eggs fertilized by criticism, judgment and the inability to forgive ourselves and others. I believe, but cannot confirm yet, that the simplest (but perhaps hardest to administer) restorative to this affliction is, "I'm sorry." Which is what brings me to the nature of this post...
Nick and I haven't seen each other in a while and I'll admit that while initially nervous, it wasn't long before I felt at ease. I don't really know how to explain what it feels like to be surrounded by my brothers in arms or fellow male vets. It's a strange but respectful mix of family and professional... the only word I've ever been able to offer that comes close is 'camaraderie' but even that fails to differentiate between the awesomeness of hanging with sisters in arms/vets and brothers in arms/vets. They're equally incredible for different reasons.
I don't know what it is about Nick and some of my more forgiving friends that has weathered us through everything from simple misunderstandings to arguments bordering on unforgivable. Maybe they grew up with more siblings/larger families and learned to coexist? Perhaps they saw through my poor behavior and loved me for who I had/have the potential to be? Or, you know, mayhap they're just crazy and like the abuse! I suspect it might be a mixture of those to varying degrees, with a heavy influence of experience in the military. As an aside, I've yet to do so here but suspect I will in time, delve deeply into why and how it is that soldiers can absolutely abhor one another for an entire deployment, and yet meet up at some later time and act as if they were old and dear friends.
Whatever the reason, I am humbled and grateful for the opportunity to express my regrets and apologize to Nick. He made it such that I didn't feel the need and thereby made it easier to do so which speaks volumes of his character and the type of man he is.
For the record, the irony and selfishness of needing to apologize does not escape me...
Update: Make sure you check back for what I was doing in Durham at the Rhino Den in the first place... to be continued.
AG
Although 4.5 hours from DC is probably not going to qualify as a proper 'road trip,' it's managed to achieve what a 15 minute cat-nap would... just enough to reinvigorate me till the next opportunity, I hope.
When I finally got in the AO (area of operations) I rounded the corner and saw the warehouse. With excitement, I walked into the building and felt like a little kid getting to satisfy much of my long-held curiosity on what the RU operation looks like. As someone who claims to own more RU 'chick shirts' than anyone (please feel free to challenge me on this), I found it incredibly cool to see how far Nick and the team have grown the business.
I first met Nick Palmisciano, Tom Amenta and Kelly Crigger back in 2009, I believe, at the Milblog Conference. Matt Burden of Blackfive had mentioned to Nick and me, separately, that we needed to meet. After perusing RU's awesome shirts for military/veterans and reading through some of the blog posts, I came to the immediate conclusion that RU was almost perfect... for guys.
At the pre-Milblog Conference party, I saw a group of guys in MMA-like t-shirts standing in a row across the room. I knew who Nick was in an instant. All I remember is walking straight up to him and saying, "I love Ranger Up but you guys need some bad-ass chick shirts."
I'm not sure what was going through Nick's mind at the time but if I remember correctly, what he said was "You must be Genevieve."
 | |
| Mark Seavey, Princeton, Matt Bernard, Nick/AG |
There followed some warm (heated is such a strong word) debate on this and other topics like the portrayal of veterans to the American public. Princeton, most likely not knowing his audience as I did (or simply not caring), seemed to dig himself neatly into a hole which I'm told he recovered from on one-to-one conversations following the panel, quite the charmer as he is.
Feeling a bit out of my league as, you know, not having an ivy name and it being my first such panel discussion, I was beyond nervous. Bloggers, especially milbloggers, are an extremely opinionated and sometimes unforgiving lot. You really must always be on your toes, as many a reporter or rogue embedded 'journalist' has learned. (Even milbloggers have their inter-family rivalries.) But I had little to worry about because whenever I looked out at the audience, I saw a row of very intimidating former Army Rangers standing at the back of the room. I felt safe up there. After all, no one was going to mess with Nick Palmisciano... even if he was in a skirt.
That was the beginning of what I have often referred to as a sibling-like fondness and affection for Nick and the Ranger Up guys. He's far more well-versed and experienced in business (which I bug him about often but not nearly as much as I'd like) and he shared the same passion for service to country and values of leadership as I did. (Warning: If you can't handle a few f-bombs, skip the link.)
In many ways, I respect and look up to him like the brother I never had and as siblings do, we've had our issues. I will humbly admit here that in the past, not only was I an outright brat on one or a few occasions (to be fair, he was at times more "snips and snails and puppy dog tails"!), but I went through a very loooong "phase" in which I quite often imposed my opinion and unsolicited 'tough love'-type advice. On more occasions than I care to disclose (and with various friends and family members) I was an outright bitch... in the not-so-cool definition of the word.
Recently and especially since the passing over of Lex, this is something that I feel quite guilty about. Never mind the sometimes inevitable drifting apart or kind words left unspoken. I fully believe that little else compares with the guilt maggots that eat at us from the inside, borne from poisonous eggs fertilized by criticism, judgment and the inability to forgive ourselves and others. I believe, but cannot confirm yet, that the simplest (but perhaps hardest to administer) restorative to this affliction is, "I'm sorry." Which is what brings me to the nature of this post...
Nick and I haven't seen each other in a while and I'll admit that while initially nervous, it wasn't long before I felt at ease. I don't really know how to explain what it feels like to be surrounded by my brothers in arms or fellow male vets. It's a strange but respectful mix of family and professional... the only word I've ever been able to offer that comes close is 'camaraderie' but even that fails to differentiate between the awesomeness of hanging with sisters in arms/vets and brothers in arms/vets. They're equally incredible for different reasons.
 | |
| Nick, Garrett, AG, Tommy, Raven, Matt, Kelly, Patriot Center, 2009 |
Whatever the reason, I am humbled and grateful for the opportunity to express my regrets and apologize to Nick. He made it such that I didn't feel the need and thereby made it easier to do so which speaks volumes of his character and the type of man he is.
For the record, the irony and selfishness of needing to apologize does not escape me...
Update: Make sure you check back for what I was doing in Durham at the Rhino Den in the first place... to be continued.
AG
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
My Definition of Success - Borrowed from Emerson
"The definition of success--To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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